


The 2nd Law

by halfd3af



Series: The 2nd Law [1]
Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Alternate Universe, Benrey’s a goth punk, College AU, College Student AU, Drinking, Fluff, Joshua’s a dog now, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Other, Tommy has the last name of G-Man’s voice actor, Trans Character, everybody is queer no one can escape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:55:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 33,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26722531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfd3af/pseuds/halfd3af
Summary: Gordon Freeman is a second year PhD student at MIT. This semester, he’s teaching students for the first time along with balancing his graduate research and other classes. He’s never had much of a social life, but that’s about to change completely.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Bubby/Coomer, Tommy/Darnold
Series: The 2nd Law [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1980356
Comments: 49
Kudos: 175





	1. Unintended

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 2nd Law is a science joke AND the name of a Muse album, of which whose music I will be using for the chapter titles! I hope y’all enjoy, I came up with this earlier today and I wrote this first chapter in one hyperfixation-induced sitting!
> 
> Trigger warning for an instance of transphobia (being dismissive of pronouns) and a mention of vomiting!

Having 20 sophomore students gazing up expectantly at him was enough to make Gordon Freeman, a second year PhD grad student, consider vomiting. He steeled his nerves by taking a deep breath, before beginning the short presentation he had prepared for their first class.

“Welcome to section 2 of Physics 330, otherwise known as Intro to Thermodynamics and Statistical Mechanics, and I’ll be your professor, Gordon Freeman! You can call me Mr. Freeman, Professor Freeman, or j-just Gordon.. whichever you prefer!” He began, trying his best not to let the anxiety creep into his voice.

“In this class, you’ll be learning about the laws of thermodynamics, kinetic theory, ideal gases, and phase transitions, just to name a few topics. We’ll be discussing the syllabus today, but we won’t go over all of it in detail. You’ll have some time to give it a more thorough read before our next class on Wednesday” Gordon continues, and he presses the Next button on his presentation remote.

The screen behind hims moves on from the initial introductory screen, and onto a slide detailing some of the class’ major assignments. “There’ll be 4 exams total, and with 2 quizzes between each to ensure that everyone is understanding the material. It may be an intermediate physics class, but I don’t want anyone to become overwhelmed” He states, gazing out upon his small audience.

“How many of you have heard of the head of the Physics department, Dr. Robert Masters?” Gordon inquires, and over half the students hands reach for the ceiling a little too quickly. He lets loose a chuckle at that. _I bet he worked hard for that reputation, if he’s able to scare students who he doesn’t even teach._

“Well, I want you all to know that I will NOT be like the so-called, ‘Dr. Frankenstein’. There will be weekly homework assignments, but other than those and the tests, there will be only one major project” He assures them, and he sees some of them relax at that.

“But, uh, enough about the curriculum for now. Currently, I don’t know any of y’alls names! I think we need to change that with a little ice breaker, if we’ll be spending the rest of the semester with one another” Gordon announces, pushing his glasses further up the bridge of his nose.

“How about the classic ‘name, major, and something interesting about you’?”.

Gordon had settled down in his seat for his next class of the day when he heard someone laughing under their breath behind him. “What the hell?” His classmate said, and he looked up to see a student walking into the classroom with an easily legible “They/them” button pinned to their yellow dress shirt.

“What a joke” The kid says again, more loudly. The student’s confidence shifted at the turn of a dime, their gaze falling to the floor. Gordon didn’t hesitate to turn around and shoot a murderous glare towards his classmate. “Shut the fuck up” He whispered harshly, and the look of shock on their face was enough satisfaction.

He turned around to glimpse the student sending him a small smile before settling into a seat further to Gordon’s right.

In contrast to his easy-going class, Dr. Masters didn’t waste time by starting off their first day together with a lecture. He didn’t bother asking their names like many professors would, and this didn’t surprise anyone in the room.

As Gordon had mentioned to his students, the professor certainly had a reputation among the college. “If you don’t need the credits, don’t do it” was an oft-heard remark from the handful of people who would withdraw after the first exam.

Some would try his classes simply for the challenge that his curriculum posed, but many weren’t willing to slave away at the constant deluge of required assignments.

Gordon had no choice either way, as magnetohydrodynamics was a heavily suggested elective for his program, and the professor would teach several of his later graduate courses, so there was no avoiding the man.

Dr. Masters never made use of the classroom’s presentation technology, preferring instead to use a dry-erase marker on the expansive whiteboard behind the projector’s screen. He talked monotonously as he wrote in his swift-paced handwriting, so his students simply had to attempt to write down as much information as possible.

“What did you write down for the last section on MHD? I couldn’t get it down before he erased the board” The classmate next to Gordon whispered, her brown eyes full of panic as she glanced at him.

“Yeah, I barely managed to get it myself. Here you go” He replies, unfolding his notebook so she could copy the formula for Maxwell’s equations. By the time she finished, Gordon noticed that the squeaking of the whiteboard had ceased.

Glancing up, he nearly leaped out of his own skin at the site of Dr. Masters towering over the two of them. “I could hear you two chattering like children from the front of the room.” He states, his fiery blue gaze piercing through Gordon before shifting to the girl next to him. “If you can’t keep up with my pace on the very first lecture, maybe this class wasn’t a suitable choice, miss”.

After a brief pause, the professor merely walked back to his former position at the front of the class and resumed his lecture as if nothing had happened. Gordon shot an apologetic glance to his classmate, but thankfully she didn’t look too downtrodden. There was a blaze of determination in her eyes, and her note-writing had an increased fervor to it.

When the class had let out, Gordon released the breath he had been holding since their shared scolding. He turned to see the girl walking up to him, a question on her lips. “Hey, would you want to be my study partner for this class? I refuse to let this bastard win” She inquires bluntly, and Gordon breaks into a smile at that.

“I’d love to. Between my research, teaching two classes of intro to thermo, and being a student myself, I think a study partner is just what I’d need” He admits sheepishly, and then he holds out his hand. “My name’s Gordon, Gordon Freeman”.

She shakes his hand firmly in response. “I’m Chell Johnson”. After exchanging phone numbers, the two of them go their separate ways.

“Joshua! It’s time for a walk!” Gordon calls out, placing his backpack on the table after walking into his apartment. Suppressing the stabbing feeling of loneliness when he entered, he was going to be outside of his cave again soon. He had spent the past few hours after Masters’ class cooped up in the library beginning their first homework assignment, and he was ready for some much needed exercise.

The brown pitbull’s sleeping form darts up in an instant from his bed by the couch, and Gordon nearly avoids being knocked off his feet as he makes his way to his bedroom to change into some more comfortable clothes.

“Okay okay! We’re going!” He laughs, his wardrobe transformation being slowed down from Joshua attempting to steal the sneakers he’s putting on. Hanging by the door is the leash, and he struggles to clip it onto his energetic dog’s harness. Gordon always preferred the evening walks over the morning ones, since he could keep up with Joshua’s energy when he wasn’t half asleep and functioning on zero coffee.

They began their typical route of retracing his path back to the university, as he always preferred the campus’ quiet tree-laden paths over the harsh concrete sidewalks of the surrounding city. Once on campus, Gordon picked up the pace into a light jog.

The fresh autumn air replaced the recycled air of the library in his lungs, and he relished in the increasing runner’s high coursing through his body. _I’ll be needing a lot more jog sessions this year to keep relaxed if I’m going to be teaching AND learning from Masters._

“It’s a good thing you like to jog with me, huh Joshie?” Gordon asks aloud, his dog oblivious to his owner’s statement as he runs with his tongue lolling out. But in the blink of an eye, Joshua changes direction.

“Wha-“ He says, before being cut off by slamming to the ground as the pitbull bashes through his legs to chase after something. Lifting his head, thankful that he landed in the grass rather than on the asphalt, he sighs. _It better not be another squirrel..._

Surprisingly, it’s not. Instead, Joshua has run off to investigate a rather large.. golden retriever? A massive golden retriever, the largest that Gordon’s ever seen. He heaves himself to his feet, and makes his way over to apologize for his dog’s behavior. Before he can, he realizes that he recognizes the owner.

“Oh, hi! Is this your dog? He’s very cute...” They call out, their face beaming with a smile as they wave at him. The golden retriever that’s standing by their side seems largely unaffected by his dog’s barking, merely tilting their head at the much smaller canine.

“Yeah, sorry about that!” He replies, snatching Joshua’s leash off the ground. “Sit!” He commands, and his dog manages to stop barking long enough to plant his behind on the grass below him. “He loves to chase squirrels, but this is the first time I’ve seen him go after another dog” Gordon explains further, wincing with embarrassment.

“Oh, it’s alright! You didn’t mind, did ya Sunkist?” They reply, using their free hand to give the dog a scratch behind the ears. “Like the soda?” Gordon confirms, chuckling incredulously at the name. “Yup! She kept trying to steal my soda cans from the fridge when she was younger, so the name seemed perfect!” The student confirms, giving another radiant smile.

“My name’s Gordon by the way, Gordon Freeman” He says, holding out his hand in greeting.

His classmate stares at the hand before finally giving it a gentle shake. “I’m Thomas Shapiro, but you can just call me Tommy!” They respond warmly, and Gordon swears that he’s heard that last name before.

Tommy suddenly starts at the sound of a cellphone ringing. Fishing it out of their pocket, their eyes brighten. “It’s my dad! I gotta take this, so I’ll see you on Wednesday!” They exclaim, waving goodbye as they walk off towards a nearby park bench, Sunkist in tow.

“Oh, and thank you for today! I really appreciated it!” They smile one final time, before turning around to take the phone call.

Gordon smiles. “No problem!” He calls out, turning to look down at Joshua sitting patiently by his feet. “Now, if you promise not to go tripping me again, we can go ahead and continue, alright?”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Bubby’s new name, it sounds like Bobby which can be likened to Rob/Robert. Masters is from MasterGir!
> 
> I’ll be posting another chapter soon I imagine 👀


	2. Plug In Baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to rewrite Tommy’s position in the story because I wrote myself into a corner with regards to teacher-student relationship ethics, so now he’s a classmate of Gordon’s in Bubby’s class! Go reread the first chapter, I thankfully didn’t have to change too much.
> 
> 3,400 words in one day, that’s a record for me! 👀💦
> 
> Trigger warning for alcohol drinking!

Gordon made good on his promise to be Chell’s study partner for their shared class together. He met with her on Wednesday morning, several hours before he taught class, and he noticed that the sky refused to lighten with the rays of the morning sun.

His suspicions were confirmed when he reached the library’s entry staircase; the sound of thunder rumbled across the atmosphere.  _ Joshua’s going to be a wreck, I’ll have to check on him before class... _

When he found his classmate sitting at a table off in the quiet study area on the second floor, she looked unnerved by something. “I hope it doesn’t start raining, I forgot my umbrella!” Chell jokes, but her smile seems forced. A worried glance is cast towards the window at the incoming thunderclouds.

“Are you scared of thunderstorms?” He asks, but she shakes her head. “Oh no, it’s just... ah nevermind. Let’s jump into the homework assignment” She stammered, then dismissed the topic altogether as she pulled out her laptop.

She had specifically asked if Gordon could help her with the homework, which required the usage of a simulation program. He had plenty of experience with such things, since he had minored in it for his undergraduate degree after all.

Gordon spent the next hour and a half tutoring her in every possible function of the program, and it helped that she was quick to pick up the process. Eventually, she managed to work it out on her own, and they spent the remainder of their time together completing the corresponding assignment.

“Without you, I’d be hours deep into some obscure YouTube tutorial trying to figure out what the hell is what!” Chell said gratefully, and he waved her off. “It’s nothing, and I was glad to have some more practice with the program. I haven’t used something like it since the spring” He replied embarrassedly, readjusting his glasses that had gone askew. 

As they both made their way down the steps to the entrance, they were greeted with an absolute torrent of rain outside the doors and another clap of thunder. Chell’s tough facade cracked once again, and she looked distraught. Gordon still couldn’t ascertain as to why. “If you really hate getting wet, I can give you my umbrella, ya know” He offers, retrieving it out of his bag for her.

She looked like she was about to cry. “Gordon... you don’t know how much that means to me. I have a class to get to before magnetism, but I promise I’ll explain why I’m being weird later!” Chell exclaims, grabbing it gently from his hand.

With an extremely heartfelt “Thank you!”, she was racing out the door into the storm. He let out a sigh at what was about to happen next. As a precaution, he made sure his cellphone was sealed inside his laptop’s waterproof case.  _Joshua better be doing alright_.

Joshua was not doing alright. Far from it. He thought he was hearing a wolf inside his apartment. So to avoid his neighbors dealing with his anxious howling for the next several hours, he did something he hadn’t done before. Joshie was going to be the teacher’s pet for the class, literally.

After Gordon got into some dry clothes and fetched his raincoat, Joshua was outfitted with his own waterproof dog jacket that Gordon’s mother had bought. It even had a little hood.

The two of them hurried through the rain, and he was thankful that his class was closer to his apartment than the library. Once they entered, Gordon tried as inconspicuously as possible to remove Joshua’s raincoat and dry him off with the towel he had brought in his backpack.

Thankfully, nobody seemed to be in the hallways. He realized why when he got to his classroom, and saw that he was late for his own class. “I’m so sorry that I’m late! I had a little bit of a problem...” Gordon says as he walks through the door, but his apology is drowned out by a chorus of excited gasps.

“Yes, this is my dog, Joshua. He’s scared of thunder, so I had to bring him to class with me” He explains, and now there’s a chorus of over a dozen students saying “awww”.

Knowing that their attention will be diverted for the majority of the class regardless of what he does, he decides to let Joshua wander around the room. Getting dozens of head pats and back scratches from people was heaven for a dog, and it also would help prevent howling. He knew of professors who had brought in their dogs before to class, but probably not without prior approval. 

As Gordon began his lecture, he would occasional worried glance to wherever Joshua was currently located. Eventually, he curled up at a random student’s feet to take a nap, allowing him to focus for the next hour without stress.

The rain hadn’t ceased by the end of class, and it was time for magnetism. He had feared this, but didn’t have a choice as he begrudgingly guided Joshua up the staircase towards Masters’ class on the third floor.

He didn’t want to imagine what the professor would do, but he pushed that thought away. There were a dozen less students in the room than there were in Gordon’s thermo class, but that didn’t stopTommy from gasping at the sight of Joshua.

_ Shit. I was hoping everyone in here would be too braindead to notice. _

Dr. Masters was writing something on the board before his attention was drawn to the sound. He followed the students’ gaze, and Gordon felt time stop as the professor’s eyes bore into his.

It seemed like an eternity passed before a boom of thunder shook the building, indicating an uncomfortably close lightning strike. Joshua let out a whine, and Gordon broke away from the staring contest to kneel down next to him. “It’s okay Joshie, it’ll be alright” He murmurs, gently caressing the dog’s back.

“Give me the leash” His professor suddenly says. Gordon looks up at him in bewilderment.

“C’mon, we haven’t got all day” Dr. Masters adds impatiently, and Gordon hesitantly does as he asks. He watches as his professor  picks up his dog and holds him like a baby. The man hardly seemed strong enough to do so, but we never saw him take off his signature labcoat.

Retrieving his jaw from off the metaphorical floor, Gordon quickly takes a seat. Chell shoots him an incredulous glance, which he returns. Their professor begins the lecture, despite holding a 50 lb dog, and he does this for an entire hour.

When class is dismissed, Chell tilts her head towards the door, but he holds up his hand to stall her. He finishes packing his backpack, and he walks towards the front of the classroom. Masters is half-way through erasing the board when he turns around on the spot to suddenly deposit Joshua carefully onto the floor.

He holds out the leash without a word, and Gordon takes it back just as hesitantly as before. “Um.... thanks, Dr. Masters. This won’t be a reoccurring thing, I had been meaning to get an anxiety blanket for Joshua-“ Gordon begins to elaborate, but the professor simply resumes his task of erasing the board.

“See you next class” The man utters, and Gordon doesn’t know what else to say. “Yeah, um, see you on Friday!” He replies nervously, giving a small tug on the leash to lead Joshua to the door.

Chell’s waiting for him just outside on a nearby bench, and she’s rolling up the cuffs on her jeans. “What are you doing-“ He starts, before realizing what’s underneath. Both of her lower legs, just below the knees, are prosthetics.

“I had soft tissue sarcoma as a kid. And it wasn’t just one leg, as you can tell” She says simply, clicking her heels together. “I have to cover them so they don’t get wet, which I’m usually good about remembering. Thanks to you, only my shoes got soaked today” Chell adds, her tone becoming more warm at the end.

“Oh, I’m also hard of hearing. Chemotherapy is ototoxic, but it was a risk we had to take” She mentions, pointing to her right ear. “Is that why it’s hard for you take notes in his class? Because his back is turned?” Gordon asks, and she nods. “If you want, I could share my notes with you, so you don’t miss out on everything he says...” He offers, and she lets out a laugh.

“I’ll need to repay you somehow one of these days. What do you like to do for fun?” She asks, her head tilting with curiosity.

“Well, I like taking Joshua here for jogs. It’s good exercise for the both of us” He replies, and her eyes light up. “I know it’s a long ways off, but how about I pay an entry fee for you for the Boston Marathon next spring? My girlfriend and I do it every year” She suggests, and while he initially balks at the idea, maybe he would enjoy something like that with.. a friend.

“That sounds good to me” He answers with a smile.

The occasional squeak of his grocery cart’s wheels was the only thing keeping Gordon company on his shopping trip. He was glad that he could put off lifting a heavy bag of dog food for another few weeks, and he debated between what type of snacks he should purchase.  _ I’ll be trapped in the library a lot more from now on, now that I have student assignments to grade... Probably should get stuff that’s easy to carry around in my backpack. _

Pushing his cart towards the next aisle, he nearly didn’t stop in time before running into the person in front of him. “Oh, I’m sorry- Tommy?” Gordon began to apologize, before realizing that it was his classmate yet again.

“Hi, Gordon! We keep running into each other, huh?” They reply, running a hand over the back of their neck. “Yeah, we sure do” He replies, and he notices an obscene amount of soda drinks piled into their cart.

“Hey, Coolatta, they didn’t have any more malts, so let’s run by the liquor store next!” Someone says, and Gordon turns to see a young man walking towards them. He had on a polka-dotted pink button down with white shorts, his dark skin contrasting well with the colors.

“Sure thing, Bery!” Tommy responds, before glancing at Gordon with a start. “Oh Gordon, this is my boyfriend, Darnold!” They exclaim, entwining their fingers with the newcomer.

“Nice to meet you, Tommy’s told me quite a bit about you” Darnold adds, and Gordon’s eyebrows in surprise raise at that. “Not many people would stick up for them with regards to their pronouns, so...” He elaborates, and Gordon nods sheepishly in understanding. 

“It was nothing, I know what it’s like to be harassed for your gender...” He replies, idly fiddling with his ponytail. “It’s been a while though, ever since getting on hormones and all”.

The couple’s eyes both widen with intrigue. “Wow, what are the odds of you two meeting, huh?” Darnold sighs with wonder, staring between his boyfriend and Gordon.

“Hey, I have an idea! Darnold and I are hosting a party this Friday, would you wanna come?” Tommy asks excitedly, and Gordon briefly considers turning them down.  _ No, you promised them that you would get out more... _

“Sure, I haven’t been to a party in a long while!” Gordon accepts, mentally suppressing the fact that he’d never been to a party during his entire collegiate experience. Tommy grins, and they whip out their phone. “Let me give you my phone number so I can text you my address!” They suggest, and Gordon takes out his as well.

After exchanging numbers and also goodbyes, as Darnold and Tommy had many preparations to complete, Gordon received a message with details of their apartment location as he stood in the self-checkout line. He nearly physically recoiled when he recognized the location.  _Back Bay? Jeez, that area’s so expensive.._.

It was around a 3 mile long walk to Tommy’s apartment, but it was a gorgeous night so he hadn’t minded. The apartment building was reflecting the last few minutes of daylight across its plethora of windows, and Gordon stood for a moment gazing up at the small skyscraper in awe.

He didn’t know what to expect, so he had worn his nicest flannel button up with some black jeans and converse. It took him an embarrassing amount of time to decide upon even that outfit however. Taking the elevator to the 7th floor, he heard the partying before the doors of the machine even opened.

Soon realizing that there were actually multiple parties occurring on the same floor made Gordon’s stomach flip with anxiety. A dozen or so people were crowding the hallway, and he passed by a few couples locking lips passionately before finding the door to Tommy’s apartment.

_ You can do this, it’s just a party. Try to have some fun... _

With a hesitant push of his finger, he tapped the doorbell adjacent to the door. Within seconds, it opened and Tommy stood beyond the threshold. “You made it! Come on in!” They yelled, their voice thankfully audible above the many conversations and quiet background music.  _ At least I can hear myself think in here... _

Tommy held the door open as Gordon walked inside, and he struggled to hide his surprise at the sheer size of the living space. It felt like a house compared to his apartment. There had to be at least a hundred people filling every inch of the main area, from the spacious kitchen, where he noticed Darnold stood making drinks for their guests, to the living room, where multiple couches sat in front of a large flat screen. There was a group playing a video game on the aforementioned television, and he heard excited spectating from their general direction.

“If you drink too much, you’re more than welcome to spend the night rather than drive home!” Tommy exclaims, and Gordon smiles exasperatedly. “I don’t have a car, but I’ll keep that in mind” He replies, and Tommy’s eyes widened. “You walked all the way here? If you had told us you didn’t have a car, we would have picked you up!”.

He waves them off. “It’s alright, I didn’t mind” Gordon assures his classmate, but Tommy gets pulled off into a group conversation before they can talk further.

Not wanting to bother them, he decides to get a drink from Darnold after slipping his shoes off by the door. Not many others had taken theirs off, but he felt it would be rude not to. “So you’re the bartender here, huh?” Gordon asks, taking a seat upon a barstool after weaving his way through the crowd.

He nods. “I’m a chemistry major, so it was a skill that always interested me!” The man replies jovially, placing the cocktail shaker he was rinsing out on the counter. He wore an apron over his peacock feather colored button up, and it seemed like a smart decision due to the occasional stains covering it.

“What would you like?” Darnold asks, and Gordon has to think deeply about his limited knowledge of alcoholic beverages. “Can you make a cocktail with whiskey in it? I don’t know of any, but I trust you to make something good!” He responds, curling a loose strand of hair behind his ear.

“Do you like caffeine?” Darnold asks, his eyes lighting up with an idea. “What college student doesn’t?” Gordon responds with a hearty laugh. The bartender gets to work on whatever cocktail he had in mind, and the shaking of the ice was a good distraction from the anxiety worming through his thoughts.

“Here ya go” He says, handing him a glass cup slightly larger than a shot glass. “It’s got whiskey, Redbull, and watermelon schnapps. They call it a Star Fucker” Darnold elaborates, and Gordon soon sees why. It felt like a sugary punch to the throat.

“Ugh, I forgot how strong whiskey is” Gordon replies, viscerally shaking his head to not focus on the overwhelming sensation. “So do you not like it?” Darnold asks nervously, but Gordon chuckles. “No, more please!”.

He was on his third shot, which he swore would be his last, when someone walked up to the counter. They wore formfitting black harem pants and an oversized dark gray hoodie emblazoned with a design he couldn’t quite make out. He swore he saw the words “The Resistance”.

“Yo, Darnie, some more shots for our game?” They bark, their voice low against the high-pitched clink of the shot glasses they carried in their arms. It sounded like tires on gravel, like they had been yelling a lot tonight. “Coming right up!” Darnold responds, his hands snatching the empty glasses from the individual and rinsing them out. 

While he set up the several drinks, the person cast a glance towards Gordon. Their blue stare was piercing, and they shot him a look from head to toe. “Hey nerd, you should play some Super Monkey Ball Deluxe with us” They suddenly demand, gesturing to the group crowded around the TV.

Gordon’s taken aback by the sudden request, and he opens his mouth to reply but is cut off. “C’mon, it’ll be fun~” They add, their tone teasing.  He gives a silent nod just as Darnold finishes the shots. “Just take the rest of the bottle, it’s almost finished anyway” The man says, handing a bottle of liquor to them.

Gordon follows the stranger, trying his best not to be disoriented from the effects of the alcohol starting to enter his bloodstream. “ You and me bro, 1v1” They state, depositing the full shot glasses on a nearby table. In the blink of an eye, a PlayStation controller is thrown towards him, and Gordon barely manages to catch it.

The stranger snickers, then turns their attention to setting up the game. “Nobody’s been able to beat Benrey all night, good luck man” Someone says behind Gordon, giving him an uncoordinated pat on the back. _Benrey’s_ _their name, huh? That’s definitely.. unforgettable. _

He takes the empty spot directly next to them, and tries to remember the last time he had time to play a video game.  However, his thoughts were soon broken into by the sound of his companion’s harsh voice. “Yo, you took your shoes off? That’s whack, feetman” They quip, giving a small laugh. “It’s Freeman... Gordon Freeman” He responds in an exasperated tone, rolling his eyes as the game starts.

He tries to focus on collecting the required bananas, and he manages to get a decent amount despite his unfamiliarity with the game. “ Gordon Feetman!” They suddenly yell, and Gordon loses his fine motor control on the joystick. His monkey avatar goes crashing off the edge in response, and his rival smirks . _Motherfucker..._

A chorus of drunken ghosts booed their disapproval of the somewhat dirty tactic.“Oh, quiet” Benrey says, flourishing their hand at the spectators in disregard. They shoved a shot towards Gordon, and the action needed no explanation. Determined to beat this stranger, he drank the liquor while maintaining eye contact.

Benrey grins.

Their competitiveness only worsened as the game continued on. Gordon manages to best Benrey in the next round, and he whoops gleefully along with the crowd as they drink their required shot.

It was the best of two out of three, and the stakes felt absurdly high for just a silly video game. Probably the intoxication. Gordon got too cocky after his last victory, as he tried to knock Benrey off the edge of the map before they could collect too many bananas.

The aggressive maneuver backfired, and he fell off instead. The round went to Benrey, and they voiced a quiet “hell yeah” amid the disappointed murmurs of the crowd. Suddenly, they draped their legs over Gordon’s lap, sticking out their tongue in victorious indignation.

Squinting his eyes at the playful gesture, he reaches his legs underneath their thighs to roll them off the couch in retaliation. “Fuck you, dude” He says in jest, and he watched as their eyes went wide as they fell, clearly taken off guard. A small thump is heard as their tall frame hits the carpet.

Gordon lets out a laugh and a burp erupts from his throat unexpectedly. This makes him laugh even harder, and he’s surprised to hear an extraordinarily loud cackle from the individual on the floor.  “Yo, wanna watch some Angry Video Game Nerd videos?” They suggest after their villain-worthy laugh ceases, their eyes squinting in a way that Gordon doesn’t understand.

“Sure, Benrey” He responds with a grin, earning a similar one from the person on the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bubby carrying Joshua is a parody of a college professor holding a student’s crying baby. This probs woulda been cuter with Joshua as a HUMAN baby but lol
> 
> Chell’s shoes in Portal look like prosthetic legs, so I had to go for it; I’m hard of hearing myself, though from different reasons; her personality is based off my best friend whose also disabled in various ways, she runs on so much spite and that suits Chell
> 
> Bery is a nickname for Darnold, beryllium + berry flavor
> 
> I had to look up Boston’s neighborhoods (there’s 23!) to see what “rich area” Tommy would live in; Gordon most likely lives in Lower Allston, which is the closest to MIT
> 
> I headcanon Gordon as autistic, so like myself, he struggles with sensory overloads, taste especially (that’s why I’m always specific about 5 senses stuff with him) I like tequila but it’s got such a strong taste, so I usually stim right after drinking it, so basically-  
> Star Trek Data: it’s disgusting! I hate it!  
> Whoopi Goldberg’s character: more?  
> Data: please
> 
> Also like Gordon, I have been to very few college parties lol I went to my first in February of this year, before the pandemic; it was pretty chill, mainly just full of dance majors who were drunk vibing


	3. Interlude

Gordon had a hangover the next morning, but he didn’t care. That party had been the highlight of his week, hell, his  _month._

But soon the waves of assignments and tests to study for came crashing over him. Tommy even joined Chell and his study group, and they’d spend an afternoon doing homework together each week.

Gordon also had to spend long nights grading homework assignments from the two classes that he taught, along with progressing on the research proposal for his doctoral thesis. There was only so much that his jogs with Joshua could do to relieve the build up of anxiety and stress ever mounting in his mind.

He was grading his students’ first exams when a text notification nearly scared him out of his skeleton. Pawing it off of the corner of his desk, he gazed at the message. “Hey Gordon, Darnold and I are having a movie night, and we thought you’d wanna join! It’s alright if you’re too busy though..” It read, and Tommy’s joyful tone oozed through the handful of emojis they added towards the end.

Gordon thought he was going to rip his hair out if he read one more satisfactory yet mind numbing short essay response. “A movie night sounds like a wonderful idea” He replied, but soon caught a glimpse of Joshua’s curled up body on the couch. He sends an accompanying message: “Do you mind if I bring Joshua over?”.

“Sure, I bet Sunkist would love it!” is the accepting answer, and Gordon is about to respond with his estimated time of arrival when Tommy instead insists on picking him and Joshua up in their car. He sighs and accepts the offer, sending them his address.

The white Land Rover Range Rover shone like a diamond in the street of Gordon’s neighborhood, and as Tommy waved from inside the vehicle, he started to worry about messing up the interior of the expensive car.

“You better behave, Joshua Jeoffry Freeman” Gordon murmurs sternly to the dog by his side, who gazed up at innocently at his father. Opening the unlocked door, he let Joshua jump in first, with Gordon stepping inside afterwards.

Thankfully, the seats were underneath a protective covering. _ I bet they have it for Sunkist _ . “I’m glad you could come, Gordon! Benrey hasn’t stopped asking about you since the party!” Tommy exclaims, and Gordon lets the surprise color his expression. “Really?”.

“Yeah! They don’t have a whole lot of friends, so I’m glad you seemed to make a lasting impression on them!” They elaborate, and Gordon smiles at the thought.

When they arrive at the apartment, Joshua makes a beeline for the nearest person, who just so happened to be Darnold in the kitchen. “Whoa! Hi there, doggy” He exclaims, hoisting a bowl of popcorn out of reach. Setting it upon the counter, he gives a thorough series of head pats to the eager canine.

“What’s up, Feetman?” Benrey says from their position on the couch, a sly grin on their face. A gray beanie covered their wavy black hair, and it allowed Gordon to notice a variety of piercings on their ears. “Not much, B” He replies, matching the grin with a warm smile.

As he makes his way to sit next to them, Joshua decides that it was the best time to launch himself towards the unfamiliar individual. “Hey yo, stop!” They mutter as Joshua attempts to lick their face. But they nudge their hand too late and receive a large wet kiss to the nose, making Gordon laughs.

“I’m glad he likes you” He says, and Benrey rolls their eyes. “I’m more of a cat person...” They mumble, finally managing to calm Joshua down by allowing them to lick their hand instead. He soon trots off to where Sunkist laid at the corner of the room in her bed, trying and failing to encourage her to play.Eventually, he gives up and settles down next to her.

“So, what are we watching?” Gordon asks Tommy, whose assisting Darnold with dispensing freshly microwaved popcorn into several bowls. “The DreamWorks 2010 animated film, Megamind! It’s my favorite! After that, we’ll watch Benrey’s choice and then Darnold’s” They reply, before adding, “You can suggest a movie too, if you want”.

“Sure, I’ll think of something” He says after a short pause, graciously accepting the bowl of popcorn that Darnold soon offers him. Tommy dims the lights, and presses play on the remote.

The majority of the film’s punchlines and gags made him chuckle or smile, but when Megamind called out, “And I was... less right!”, Gordon lost it. He felt a weight lifted off his shoulders as he laughed, not feeling anxious for the first time in days. When he placed his empty popcorn bowl on the coffee table so he didn’t drop it, he noticed Benrey studying him out of the corner of his eye.

When he sat back up, they were staring straight ahead at the television, as if Gordon had merely imagined it. Brushing it off as a trick of the light, he continued on with reveling in the comedic timing of the film.

Eventually, it was time for Benrey’s movie to be played. “Alien, huh? I’ve heard it’s good” Gordon says, and Benrey turns to look at them in surprise. “ Right you are, Feetman. The practical effects are crazy good” They respond, speaking for the first time in a while. Gordon sees their eyes glittering with excitement like a cat’s.

“Well, if you like it, I imagine it’ll be good” Gordon muses with a smile, and Benrey’s eyes open wide before they quickly turn their head to look at something else in the room. “Yeah, mmhm” He hears them mutter.

The tone shift from a comedy to a sci-fi thriller was like a slap in the face. “ Haha, yeah!” Benrey barks, as the alien hatchling erupted from the man’s chest. Gordon tries to hide his startled reaction at his sofa companion’s interjection, but they catch the movement out of the corner of their eye and smirk.

Later in the film, when Dallas went searching for the alien, he couldn’t stop his body from tensing with anticipation. The soundtrack kicked in as the tracking device monitor beeped louder and louder. When the alien suddenly appeared in front of the man with a static-warped shriek, Gordon screamed. Thankfully, he’d had a good enough grasp on his freshly refilled bowl of popcorn so it hadn’t launched into the air.

“Ooh, you scared, Feetman?” Benrey drawls,cackling as they shove a hand into Gordon’s popcorn. “H-hey that’s mine, get your own..” Gordon stammers weakly, unable to rip his gaze away as Benrey purposefully chews their popcorn as slowly as possible while maintaining full eye contact.

He swallows nervously in hopes of hydrating his incredibly dry mouth, praying they don’t notice the blush across his freckled cheeks. Shaking his head, he puts on an annoyed facade and pulls Benrey’s beanie down over their eyes. “Jackass...” He mutters under his breath, pretending not to notice their gleeful chuckle. For the rest of the film, he’s keenly aware of their piercing gaze studying him from time to time.

When the credits roll, Gordon excuses himself to the restroom. He slaps his cheeks in embarrassed frustration.  _ Why do they keep getting under my skin? _ Looking at his face in the mirror, he becomes distracted by how dark the circles under his eyes are.  _ I look like shit._

Hearing some loud conversation from the other side of the door, he figures it’s time to return to the group.  _ Just try to relax and have fun, don’t get all riled up by— _

“What the fuck is going on?” Gordon says, some horrible sex scene plastered all over the television. “We’re watching The Room, the best movie ever made!” Darnold says, his sincerity making Gordon question everything rational about the world. “Yeah, man. Can’t you tell? Gorgeous cinematography” Benrey teases, their eyebrows wiggling.

“Why did you pick such a widely panned film, Darnold?” Gordon asks incredulously, and the man huffs indignantly. “Clearly you don’t understand what goes into watching a film of this caliber, my friend” Darnold responds, soon changing gears to start echoing the dialogue as it came on screen, with his boyfriend and Benrey joining in as well.

For the entire runtime, Gordon listened as they collaborated on recreating the dialogue. He knew the movie had a cult following, but nothing about what said fans would do during showings. The trio threw plastic spoons at the sight of the eponymous utensils on screen, or chanted “sports” whenever someone threw a football. 

The one that made Gordon laugh the most was when more sex scenes occurred, with the trio yelling “focus” when the camera unfocused and “oh god, unfocus!” when it did so.

“Wait, he just dies? That’s how it ends?” Gordon yells in amused frustration when the credits begin. “Yup!” Tommy replies enthusiastically, making Gordon shake his head with fake disappointment.

“So, what movie do you have in mind?” Darnold asks, handing Gordon the remote. As he begins typing in the title, Tommy voices it aloud. “Oh wow, I haven’t watched Spirited Away in years!” They exclaim, and Gordon’s glad that Japanese animation wasn’t too niche for this group.

“Never heard of it” Benrey reflects flatly, and Gordon turns to face them. “Oh, I think you’ll like the character No-Face a lot” He says with a grin, which Benrey seems to ruminate on as the opening sequence begins.

Benrey indeed loved the character. “Ahhhhhhh!” They yelled, trying to shove a bunch of popcorn in their mouth at once, making obnoxious chewing noises that made Gordon and the others bust out laughing. Darnold had enjoyed the film as well, but wasn’t showing it as brazenly as Benrey was.

“C’mere, you!” They yell as they run off to where Sunkist laid, shoving their face into her thick fur and making overdramatic chewing noises. Gordon nearly fell off the sofa when they did this, his sides beginning to hurt.

A phone rang out with an alarm, and Benrey’s silhouette came back into view as they grabbed it from in between the couch cushions. Their face lit up from the screen as they turned it off, and they eventually sighed. “I gotta get to practice” They state, grabbing a leather jacket off a nearby coat rack.

“Practice?” Gordon asks, finally able to wipe the tears from his eyes. “Yeah, didn’t you know I’m in a band, bro?” Benrey answers, smirking. As they make their way to the door, they call out behind them: “I better see your ass at the concert this weekend, Freeman”.


	4. Supermassive Black Hole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll begin my readers with these lyrics from this chapter’s namesake:
> 
> “I thought I was a fool for no one  
> Oh baby, I'm a fool for you“

A black marquee reading “The Sinclair” glowed against the night sky. Gordon stood next to Darnold and Tommy in the queue for entering the building, a cold breeze sending an extra shiver down his spine as he bristled with excitement. He had no idea what to expect for his first concert.  According to Tommy, their roommate’s band, Black Mesa, was comprised of four members: their bassist Josh, guitarist “Jeffrem”, “Forzen” on drums, and Benrey as lead vocalist. 

They also said that Benrey knew how to play piano and the keyboard, regularly using the latter in their shows. He never would have expected Benrey to be skilled with a piano of all instruments, so he was wondering what laid in store. When Gordon’s watch passed 8 o’clock, the doors opened to the venue. He made a mental note to keep the ticket, securing it inside his wool coat after showing the usher.

The trio made their way to the wraparound balcony, picking a spot to stand right in the center so they had a perfect view of the stage. “Do y’all want any drinks?” Darnold asks the two of us, and Gordon shakes his head while Tommy nods eagerly. “If you want, I can be a DD while the two of you get tipsy” Gordon answers with chiding smile, and the couple accepts with no hesitation.

_ I want the clearest head possible for this. _

While Black Mesa was only a supporting act for the main event, they apparently had a large number of admirers. As the pit below them filled with guests, he noticed a large amount of female fans, which made him chuckle under his breath.  _ I guess we’ll see which band they showed up for. _

After Tommy and Darnold returned with their drinks, all three of them stood leaning against the railing as they waited for the show to begin. The first band was already on stage, tuning their instruments and checking various sound and lighting equipment.  “Have you two been to many of Black Mesa’s concerts?” Gordon asks, and Tommy nods. “We’ve gone to every single one that we can!” They shout over the din of loud conversations around them. “For as long as we’ve known Benrey, they’ve always had a passion for making music. It’s their outlet” Darnold adds, fidgeting with his earring studs.

Gordon wants to know more, but the lights flicker on and off several times. The hall is bursting with concertgoers, and the first music act are ready to perform as they take their places on stage.  “How y’all doing tonight?” The lead asks the crowd, the microphone amplifying her voice loud and clear. The venue roars with excited hollers and whistles, and she smiles at the response.

“Some of you may know us, and some of you may not” She states coyly, teasing her fingers through her gray colored hair. “We’re called Blue Shift, and we’re here to knock your socks off with some blues-inspired rock!” She exclaims, and the crowd whoops with anticipation. The lights darken into shades of indigo, and the bassist kicks off their first song with a heavy riff that sets the audience abuzz.

“They were pretty good!” Gordon yells to his friends as the sound of applause fills the air. “Yeah, they’re okay!” Tommy responds, in the middle of a text message, and Gordon’s taken aback by the less than stellar review. “How come?”.

“Oh, you’ll see! If you think Blue Shift was good, you’re in for a rude awakening” They chuckle mischievously, sharing a knowing glance with Darnold as they put their phone away. Gordon doesn’t know what to say other than to focus his attention on the stage once more.  Slowly but surely, Blue Shift’s members are helped by the staff in packing up their instruments. He watches impatiently for a few minutes, but the only members of Black Mesa that appear are the ones he doesn’t know.

Forzen had a military-style crewcut and several tattoos coating his muscular arms, Jeffrem‘s long brown hair was crowned with a black beanie, and Josh had distressed white jeans contrasting with their distinctively shaped black bass.

_ Where are they? _

Their equipment check seemed to drag on for eons before the lights once again flickered to signal the end of intermission. Gordon was tense with so much anticipation that he realized he was white-knuckling the railing.

A spotlight shown on a solitary mic and keyboard stand towards the front of the stage, and the only sound he could hear was the approaching heavy footsteps of thick-soled boots. When the owner of said shoes walked into the light, Gordon’s jaw dropped.

Benrey wore decorative star plugs in lieu of their plain black tunnels, and their outfit was comprised of a red half-zip high collared jacket, dark skinny jeans, along with a white dress shirt and black tie combo underneath. Their undercut was recently shaved, providing a clean contrast against the fluffy black hair on the other side of their head.

The punk platform boots they wore further increased their already tall frame, raising them a few more inches above their regular height of 6’0. 

“Sorry to keep you all waiting. Looking like the reflection of perfection isn’t easy” They say with a smirk, and a handful of audience members squeal with excitement. Their blue eyes somehow glowed underneath the spotlight, and Gordon realized they were wearing eyeliner.

“Are you ready to hear our new single? I think two weeks is one hell of a songwriting record for us” Benrey continues, and a chorus of cheers erupt from the crowd, especially from the front. Tommy, Darnold, and Gordon join in from the balcony, which Benrey seems to take notice of.

“Oh? I can’t hear y’all, one more time” They say, cupping their ear to the audience. The response is even louder, and Gordon tries to yell as loud as he can without embarrassing himself.

“Alright, I think they’re ready, guys” The vocalist states, glancing back at their bandmates. On a silent cue, the music kicks in. Benrey’s hands glide across the keyboard beautifully, as if they had taken piano lessons their entire life, and it’s their instrument that takes center stage.

“ _ Love was always a foreign language, surrounded by locals who couldn’t help with my baggage _ ” They begin, their singing taking Gordon’s breath away. It was in the higher range, most likely around a tenor; their voice felt like the personification of radiant light.

“ _ Maybe if I had paid attention in school, I would never have grown up to be such a fool.But now I’m picking up the basics, maybe it’s not too late for me _ ” Benrey continues, their vocalizing increasing in volume as the instrumentals build up.

“ _I’d scare away your worries with my, sweet voice. But if you have to leave it’ll be, your choice_ ” Their pitch rises, shifting into a falsetto tone that reaches Gordon’s very core like a siren call. 

“ _I’m sorry I’m such a voidless entity; so when you end up leaving, I won’t mind the grieving_ ” Benrey’s voice decreases into a lower pitch, becoming more melancholy with the guitar reflecting this change.

“ _Now that I’ve had a day tour of Eden, I’m left begging and pleading. Why wasn’t I allowed to stay?_ ” The vocals pick up after half a minute of discordant instrumentals, and the new lyrics expand upon on that sensation. “ _Why was I made this way?_ ” Benrey’s voice quavered as it reached a swift falsetto peak, holding the note as long as they could.

“ _If I can’t be normal, why do I even try?_ _Maybe I oughta just say goodbye_ ” The falsetto notes continue into the climax of the song, and it feels like Benrey’s baring their entire soul into this song. Even the background instrumentals give way to the soft piano melody. “ _It doesn’t feel worth the effort, my heart will always be an empty desert_ ”.

The chorus resumed as the instrumentals kicked back into action, but the mood had sunk into something melancholic and mournful. “ _I’d scare away your worries with my, sweet voice. But if you have to leave it’ll be, your choice_ ”.

But as quickly as the instrumentals had came in, they began to fade away, leaving only Benrey’s vocalizing and their piano chords. “ _I’m sorry I’m such a voidless entity; so when you end up leaving, I won’t mind the grieving_ ”.

The piano began to slow, and they sang the last line two more times. “ _I won’t mind the grieving, I won’t mind the grieving..._ ”.

When the last piano note faded away, the crowd saw it as their cue to ravenously applause. It was like they were trying to collapse the ceiling with their voices alone. Gordon was almost too stunned to clap, transfixed at Benrey’s slouched form on stage. He wanted to hear the song a thousand times over.

They eventually raised their head, scanning the crowd for a few seconds before finding who they were looking for. Gordon. His heart fluttered nervously as the singer gave the most genuine smile he had ever seen on their face, and Gordon wanted to memorialize such an expression in his memory forever...

As he realized in horror what he was thinking, he clasped a hand to his mouth and a blush was surely forming across his cheeks. Benrey let out their signature cackle, eventually murmuring into the mic, “Mmm, I’m happy to see that y’all enjoyed the show”, not breaking eye contact with Gordon as they spoke in a disturbingly flirtatious tone.

_Shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you wanna know what Sweet Voice sounds like, listen to Blackout and Plug In Baby by Muse! I’d like to think it’s a mix between the two. The melancholy of Blackout combined with the energy of PIB.
> 
> an earring explanation: plugs completely fill the stretched out earlobe hole, while tunnels are the hollow ones that you could stick something through
> 
> I projected my acearo difficulties HARDCORE into Sweet Voice, it was fun to write


	5. Madness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, writing this chapter: >:3c
> 
> Trigger warning for someone having a panic attack!

Gordon couldn’t think straight for the rest of the night. After they finish their set, he completely zoned out until Benrey began slinking through the crowd with their bandmates during the ensuing intermission. A dozen or so fans materialized near the musicians in an instant, vying for autographs or offering their raving reviews, and he felt a pang of jealousy as Benrey reached their arm around a young woman for a selfie.

He wanted to slap himself for the sudden bubble of emotion, but he knew it revealed something he didn’t want to admit to himself. Gordon had a crush on Benrey, and there was no worming his way out of it. _ Fuck, god dammit_.

“Let’s go say hi!” Tommy announces, grabbing Gordon’s arm and pulling him towards the staircase leading to the pit without warning. Panic coursed through his body as he tried to think of ways to subtly avoid Benrey for the rest of the night, but it was no use- his brain was far too scrambled for coherent and rational though. 

Soon, Gordon stood in the front of the person that was causing this maelstrom of feelings inside him. Tommy and Darnold chatted with the other band members while it felt like he was paralyzed in the presence of Benrey’s gaze. “I’m glad you were able to make it, Feetman” They say cooly, but the words have the opposite effect on Gordon’s core temperature.  _I’m totally fucking blushing right now, fuck fuck fuck!_

“Y-yeah, I wouldn’t have missed it for the world!” Gordon replies, his voice hitching as he tries not to think about how stunning their eyes looked in the lighting. His body is screaming for him to do something about this influx of adrenaline.  Someone’s elbow shoves into Gordon’s back, and this shift in balance causes him to fall into Benrey’s arms. 

“Oops! Sorry, Gordon! I’m uh, a little too drunk right now” Tommy apologizes from behind him, but he hardly hears them. All he can think about is how when he looks up, his face is mere inches from Benrey’s. The two of them stare at one another for an infinity, before Gordon murmured, “I... I should go”.

“Huh?” Benrey mumbles, their face searching Gordon’s with confusion. As quickly as their bodies had collided, they just as quickly separated when Gordon turned and ran. He muttered apologies under his breath as he weaved his way around strangers, desperate to find the exit as though the room was going to swallow him alive.

Pushing through the first door he could find, the emergency exit led him to an alley connected to the main street. His breathing was too shallow, and his vision danced with black static. Gordon felt his lungs cramping from the disruption of oxygen, and he gripped his sides as he tried to take deep breaths. Why was he having a panic attack?

“Gordon, you um, forgot something!”.

He spun around at the sound. Hearing Benrey say his name felt like a bolt of lightning to his rapidly beating heart. They had pushed through the door, their breath coloring the chill air.

Gordon watched as they walked up to him, and his body instinctually turned around to face them. Benrey reached out with their hand, and he felt their slender fingers cup his chin in one smooth movement. They hesitated though, and his brain screamed at the resulting tension. 

His heart felt like it was boiling beneath his ribcage. “Just fucking kiss me already, you bastard” Gordon says, pulling Benrey’s face to his and planting a kiss on their lips. 

When he doesn’t feel a reaction, he opens his eyes to see that Benrey’s as still as concrete, their eyes wide with shock. Gordon’s face flushes red with embarrassment, and he immediately tries to backpedal. “Oh fuck, I’m sorry-“ He says, but Benrey’s lips met his again before he can finish.

The gentleness of the action surprised him, and his body felt like it was going to melt. Eventually they pull away from another, but they’re still mind-numbingly close. Gordon mutters the first thing that comes to his mind: “So... you like me back?”.

Benrey threw back their head and absolutely  howled with laughter. “W-wow, MIT really is just letting anyone in, huh? You think I’d write a song about you just for fun, Feetman? You’ve been living in my head rent free after that party” They elaborate, grabbing a stray curl of hair from Gordon’s scalp, twisting it around their finger. He freezes at the action, his brain short-circuiting.

“About.. me?” He murmurs hoarsely, hardly believing such a sublime individual could feel any sort of affection for him. Benrey smacked their lips, their expression dripping with satisfaction. “Now you’re finally thinking with that big brain of yours, Dr. Feetman” They smirk, planting a kiss on Gordon’s forehead.  “I’m.. I’m totally dreaming, aren’t I?” He chuckles incredulously, but Benrey simply sighs and kisses him again.

When Gordon got home later that night, Benrey’s contact info now in his phone, he giddily screamed into his pillow.

In the weeks leading up to Halloween, Gordon’s schedule was too busy for any extraordinary activities with Benrey. He just didn’t have the time, between grading his students assignments or completing his own for his graduate courses. In spite of this, or even because of this, every lunch or dinner date they had was more than just that.

Benrey learned that Gordon had transitioned almost 4 years ago, while he discovered that Benrey was a former foster child. Music had always been their escape from the world, and they joked that their piercings were a dead give away to their “mommy issues”. Gordon saw exercising as a euphoric reminder of his true self. He didn’t have to worry about how his body looked as he sweat, he could just... exist.

Benrey never earned their high school diploma, instead getting a GED. He asked if they ever thought about attending college, and they said that school was too difficult for them due to their ADHD. They talked about how their band was really starting to take off, hoping that they’d soon be able to record an actual album. “You’d get the first CD, bro, since you’re my muse now” Benrey had said smugly, laughing at Gordon’s flustered expression. 

The subject of parents came back into play on a later occasion, when Benrey told him about how his foster parents supported his interest in music, even attending their first concert at a smaller venue than The Sinclair.

“You talk to them often?” He asks, and Benrey nods. “We usually chat every week or so, my ma’s extremely nosey” They reply, their eyes becoming distant for a moment as they seem to remember something. “ That sounds nice” Gordon says, his heart sinking. Benrey notices his downcast expression. “Are yours gone or something?” They deadpan, but their eyes are serious. 

“They might as well be” He retorts, giving a wry laugh. His hand closes into a fist, and he scowls. “They said my new name was stupid, that I should have chosen something more ‘common’. After years and years of being belittled for my autism, and now my gender? I’d had enough” He grumbles, feeling his body tense with anger at the memories.

The sensation of Benrey’s thumb caressing the knuckles of his fist cleared the gathering storm clouds from his thoughts. “I’m.. sorry” They say softly, eventually intertwining their fingers with his after relaxing his hand.

Gordon sighs, trying to focus on the sight of their hands instead. “It’s not your fault, I’ve gotten over it... mostly. My sister’s in law school right now back in Seattle, and I’ll chat with her occasionally” He laments, and he relaxes even more when Benrey presses his lips to the back of his hand. “Do I need to kiss you to make everything better~” They say with a stupid expression that makes Gordon laugh.

“Have you picked out your costume for Tommy’s party yet?” He later asks, and Benrey’s face turns cryptic. “Aw bro, it’s a surprise” They drawl, and Gordon smiles exasperatedly. “Fine, you won’t know what mine is either” He huffs indignantly, watching their facade crack and show a hint of curiosity.

When Gordon eventually left to go to class, thankful that he had gotten extra time with Benrey due to the online exam he setup for his students, he saw Dr. Masters standing outside his classroom talking with someone.

“Why aren’t you in costume, Bubby? It’s Halloween!” A man clammers excitedly, and they sound familiar to Gordon. He couldn’t quite identify them due to the oversized pink hoodie and bright green boxing gloves on their hands.

“I am! I’m wearing a Dracula cape, see?” He exclaims, flourishing it for emphasis. The hooded man makes a chiding sound.  “Now Bubby, I thought I had told you to try loosening up around your students” They reply, waggling a boxing glove comically from side to side.

The temptation was too much and Gordon was incapable of stifling a snort.  _Bubby?_ The sound caught the attention of the two, and he earned an immediate deathstare from Dr. Masters. “Oh! Hi, Dr. Coomer” Gordon says, finally recognizing the older man.

“Hello, Gordon!” They respond jovially. “How are your students liking your class this semester?” He asks, fondly recalling the crazy live-experiments the professor would perform in his undergraduate class. “They greatly enjoyed the water bucket inertia experiment, especially so because I failed!” Dr. Coomer responds gleefully, and Gordon winces at the mental image. “I was soaked head to toe for the entire afternoon!”.

“Well, I’ve got a meeting to attend. I’ll see you later, Bubby” He says, turning to give the man a kiss on the cheek. When he turns the corner after waving goodbye, Gordon felt an incredibly menacing aura from Masters. “I won’t tell a soul-” He admits nervously, and Masters immediately cuts him off with an “Oh, you definitely won’t”.

The pale gray paint coating Gordon’s skin thankfully became more tolerable as it dried, and that Tommy was picking him up so he didn’t have to walk around the city in his dorky outfit. He had his hair slicked into a low ponytail to copy his character’s much shorter hairstyle.

“Oh!! Are you Data from Star Trek?” Tommy asks excitedly, the large red bow on their head bobbing with the movement. “Yup, and I have a sneaking suspicion you’re.. Kiki from Kiki’s Delivery Service?” He questions, and they beam with pride. “Darnold’s dressed up as Tombo, so we match!”.

Their apartment was much louder than it was during the last party. Chell was here this time, and so was her girlfriend Sam. She was dressed as Catra while the blonde woman next to her was She-Ra. There was a small stage at the far end of the room for some yet-to-be utilized purpose, and the TV was loudly playing a movie that Gordon didn’t recognize. 

Darnold came racing up to them, his Tombo costume suiting his sense of style. “Where’s Benrey?” Gordon asks immediately, and he grasped his chin in thought. “I think they were hanging out by the TV? Not sure though..” He posits with uncertainty, but Gordon thanks him regardless as he makes his way over there.  He spies their bandmates lying on a couch, their costumes not recognizable to him, but no Benrey. As he turns around to try searching elsewhere, he bumps into someone. “Oh, sorry” He says, but he looks up to see it was the person he was looking forward.

Benrey’s face was layered in white makeup, with thin black stitch lines hatched over their lips. Their black and white pinstripe suit was topped off with a flared collar to mimic Jack Skellington’s elaborate bowtie. “Yo, are you a Star Trek character? What a nerd” Benrey leered, their black colored eye sockets contrasting with the white of their corneas.  His partner placed a gloved hand on the back of his neck to pull him into a kiss, and Gordon felt his heart race despite himself.“At least you still look cute..” They murmur, and he hopes his body paint hides the blushing of cheeks. 

“You’re going to give me a stroke one of these days, you bastard” Gordon mumbles, and Benrey’s lips break into a shit-eating grin. “Aw, but I haven’t even used my good material yet~” They tease, and he grabs the glass of alcohol from their hand to swallow in one gulp. Benrey cackles at his rash decision, mostly because Gordon immediately gagged on the intense taste of vodka.

The echo of a microphone activating reverberates across the air. “Alright everyone, it’s time for drunk karaoke!” Tommy exclaims joyfully, a cheer rising from the guests scattered around the apartment. A second screen sits close to the stage, most likely for displaying song lyrics.  Gordon watches as Darnold hands Tommy a shot glass, and they take a cursory sniff of what must be something with incredibly high proof. The cup is soon empty, and they scroll through a laptop connected to the television. The words “Dancing Queen by ABBA” fade in, and Gordon chuckles with anticipation.

They sang coherently for the most part, but their typical energy had been kicked up a notch towards the end as the alcohol metabolized. Gordon felt a spike of concern when they started dancing, the skirt of their black dress fluttering.  _ They better not fall._

Thankfully, that didn’t happen. When Darnold stepped onto the platform, his song choice made him groan and Benrey cackle. With no shame, Tommy’s boyfriend began dancing to Rick Astley’s  _ Never Gonna Give You Up. _During the chorus, most people in the room sang along, including Benrey. Gordon was shaking his head with too much secondhand embarrassment for him to mirror the crowd.

Forzen and Jeffrem staggered to the stage next, already drunk from previous drinks, so Gordon knew this would be interesting. They decided upon  _ Tainted Love, _and now Gordon was laughing. He laughed so hard he was  _crying_. Jeffrem added background vocals that weren’t even there, and Forzen’s baritone timber was not equipped for the high notes. Benrey only enabled them more through their frequent shouting, and the duo were practically screaming the lyrics by the end of song.

“I dare you to sing Bohemian Rhapsody with me, Feetman” They said after the bandmates left the stage with the guidance of Josh, and Gordon blanched at the suggestion. “I’m n-not the best singer...” He stammered, but Benrey didn’t look like they could be persuaded otherwise.

“Please?” They beg softly, and Gordon wants to punch their perfect little face. “Oh my god, okay I’ll do it. Please don’t ask me for anything like that ever again” He replies, staring at the floor in flustered annoyance. “No promises~” They reply with a chuckle, and Gordon’s immediate frown only causes them to laugh more. 

“ _ Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?” _ Gordon begins, trying to focus on anything but the sour taste in his throat. “ _Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality_ ” Benrey chimes in, their voice easily mimicking the correct pitch compared to Gordon’s strictly baritone range. He’d been strongarmed into Freddy’s role in the song, despite Gordon suggesting that Benrey would suit it much better. “Nah man, I wanna hear YOU do it” They had smiled, much to his dissatisfaction.

“ _ Open your eyes, look up the skies and see _ ” They sang together, and the harmony sounded much better than Gordon’s voice alone. “ _ I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy... _ ” He warbled solo again, with Benrey’s vocals materializing again for the “ _ Easy come, easy go, little high, little low” _ . 

“ _ Anyway the wind blows, doesn’t really matter to me, to me _ ”.

Eventually, the warmth of the alcohol glazed over him enough that he stopped feeling as concerned about the quality of his singing. “ _ Mama, ooh, didn’t mean to make you cry! _ ” He yells, and he hears the lyrics echoed by other people in the room. “ _ If I’m not back again this time tomorrow, carry on, carry on.. as if nothing really matters _ ”.

“ _ Mama, ooh! I don’t wanna die! I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all! _ ” Gordon’s vocal folds straining with the exertion, and the audience cheers. Benrey grins smugly at him, beginning to mimic the movements of playing a guitar.

For the rest of the song, it didn’t matter that his voice was shot. Nobody could particularly hear him over the intensity of dozens of people singing the next several verses along with the duo. Only Benrey could, and when the song finally ended, they gave him another kiss.

Gordon felt too drunk to feel stage fright at kissing in front of so many people. All he could focus on was how grateful he was to have met this beautiful bastard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tommy 100% knocked Gordon into Benrey on purpose lmao and can you guess who they were texting before Black Mesa came on?
> 
> Sam looks like Samus btw lol
> 
> *inserts Tainted Love vine*
> 
> As much as I keep making the gang drink alcohol, they’re not trying to get blackout drunk, just to the point where things get Silly! That’s when drinking can be fun, doing things that are made funnier through intoxication
> 
> And they’re the partiers who stop when it gets too late unlike SOME OF MY NEIGHBORS WHO PARTY UNTIL 4AM ON WEEKENDS—


	6. Blackout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the incredibly short chapter! I never wanted this to be too long to begin with, but I kept struggling to figure out what I wanted to save for future chapters.

The past few months had been filled with so many new things that he forgot about the persistent cramps in his right hand. It’d plague him whenever he left his wrists too stiff for too long, like typing on the computer. He assumed it was mild carpal tunnel, so he’d take time to stretch and the pain would go away for a while.

But after he had whiteknuckled the microphone for several long minutes during karaoke the night before, his wrist hadn’t stopped hurting. The pain tingled to the tips of his fingers and up his forearm every time he articulated it. Even with pain medications, stretching, or an ice pack, it didn’t completely go away like it usually would.

_ I’ll go to the student health clinic after classes tomorrow. _

Gordon‘s entire right arm felt sore the next morning, but by the time he took some tylenol and was on his way to class, it didn’t hurt as much. He had considered cancelling class, but he didn’t want to do it on such short notice. Besides, today’s lecture was about phase transitions, and he was excited to show them a variety of example videos.

But when he tried signing into the classroom’s computer to pull up his powerpoint, his vision doubled. Rubbing his eyes, it went away. _I ate breakfast, so my blood sugar should be fine_. He took a sip of from his water bottle just in case.

“I imagine you all learned about the three states of matter in grade school: solids, liquids, and gases” He begins, pointing to a series of generic images. “Numerous factors influence these transformations, and... and...” Gordon continues, but his words feel like rocks in his mouth as the ground suddenly appears in his vision. 

He sticks out his hands to catch his fall, letting out a cry of pain as the impact sends a burning sensation through his right arm.Turning onto his side, he grasps the limb protectively as he hears some of his students rush towards him.

“Do you need us to call the EMTs?” A girl named Alyx asks, and he nods. “That sounds good...” He mutters, and he hears her do so. “Well, I think it’s safe to say that class is cancelled for today!” He chuckles weakly, but nobody laughs.

“Gordon!”.

He opened his eyes to see Tommy, Chell, and Benrey race into the hospital room. “Sorry to text you guys about something like that so suddenly...” He apologizes as Benrey snatches his left hand to squeeze tight. “Don’t fucking scare me like that, bro” They murmur, their face painted with concern.

“They did an x-ray of my arm, I’m waiting for them to come back with it” He informs them, but it doesn’t relax them in the slightest. “I told Dr. Masters where we were, cause this is definitely worth skipping his class for” Chell notifies him, and he’s able to discard that concern from his thoughts.

There’s a knock on the door, and a stranger walks in.

“Hi, I’m Dr. Laufner from the hospital’s oncology department” The woman states, introducing herself to the young adults in the room. _Oncology?_ Gordon pieces the puzzle together as his heart sinks in his chest. “There’s a tumor, isn’t there? It must be affecting the nerves” He responds calmly, and the doctor affirms his fear with a solemn nod. Three pairs of eyes gravitate to him in an instant.

“When we were looking for sprains or fractures, we found this” She remarks, handing him a paper copy of the x-ray. A large bulge sat right below the ligament in his right wrist, surely warping the muscle and nerves surrounding it. He tries to ignore Tommy‘s quiet gasp. “What... what can be done about it?” He vocalizes blankly, the image seared into his mind even after he looked away.

“Surgery would be the next course of action,” She says softly, her face faltering. “We’ll need to run some tests, to determine if it’s vascularized or not, but... there’s an extremely high chance that it’ll have to be an amputation. Neurofibrosarcomas are incredibly difficult to remove, and there’s potential for it to metastasize if we simply did chemotherapy”.

“Okay” He hears himself say, focusing on the sight of his right hand. It looked completely fine, but he knew there were diseased cells lurking below the surface. Constantly dividing and spreading.

“I’ll leave you to digest all this information, alright Gordon? A nurse will come by in a bit with some paperwork, and we could get you in for surgery as soon as tomorrow morning” Dr. Laufner articulates, and he fails to acknowledge this before she leaves.

He becomes distinctly aware of his breath, the feeling of his body against the hospital bed, the IV connected to a vein in his right arm. He wishes he could block it all out, closing his eyes in an attempt to.

When he opens them again, nobody has moved. Everyone seems to be afraid to say anything. He looks over at Chell. “We can be prosthetic buddies” Gordon jokes, and tears well up in her eyes. “You fucking idiot” She whimpers, leaning forward to wrap her arms around him. Tommy mimics the gesture, with Benrey not far behind. Their hand hadn’t let go throughout the entire prior conversation, and they weren’t about to stop now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I love whump. >:3c


	7. Unnatural Selection

Tommy and Chell took off to get the group dinner so Gordon didn’t have to eat hospital food, leaving him with Benrey. 

“I need to call my sister. Knowing her, she’ll want to be here on the next flight out...” He murmurs under his breath, not really wanting to deal with the explosion about neglecting to tell her he was in the hospital in the first place. He also didn’t want to say for the first time, “I have cancer”. It threatened to put his lungs in a vice.

Gordon’s shocked back to reality when Benrey climbs their way onto the bed. “Hey, are you gonna move over, or what?” They grumble, and he’s speechless. He shifts over for them regardless, and they settle down on their left side. Taking care not to disturb his right arm too much, they pulled him into an embrace.

He could hear their heartbeat from how close they were to him, and it brought a degree of heat to his face. “You blushing yet?” They whisper after a few moments, and Gordon guffaws at the question. “Oh, you think that’s funny, hm? How about this...” They mumble, turning his face upwards so their eyes met.

“Did you know my middle name’s Adam? What kind of a boring fucking choice is that? ‘Benrey Adam Molko’ is my full name, and I think things would be MUCH better if it had been something like... Aardvark, or.. or... Anteater” They continue, and Gordon can only watch in half-amusement and half-horror as the prettiest person in the world derails the conversation into complete and utter nonsense.

“They’re both fucking rad lil creatures, just walking around eating bugs and shit. Can you believe that shit? I’d love to go around just shoving ants and beetles in my mouth like a fucking toddler! Babies have it so easy, just getting fed food by their parents on a spoon and not having to do anything all day. They can’t even walk their fat little bodies around for almost an entire year or more! Ridiculous!”.

Gordon’s crying with laughter by the end of the ridiculous tangent, but Benrey didn’t even stop. They kept  _going_. The topic was somewhere around drama in classical music academia when Chell and Tommy returned with McDonald’s. “Are we interrupting something?” She asks amusingly, to which Benrey replies with a loud, “Yes! Please leave, I’m teaching Gordon about how Wagner was a shithead”.

She tosses a paper bag onto their bed, which they immediately snatched up to peek at the contents. “I’m totally gonna feed you like a momma bird, bro!” They exclaim, tossing a handful of fries into their mouth, and Gordon shoved their face away as they began make obnoxious chewing noises. “Oh my god, stopppp!” He cried out, trying to not laugh and failing to properly express his disgust when they opened their mouth to say “ah!”.

“Ugh, fine!” They concede after swallowing their mouthful. Instead, they grabbed a few and held them in front of his mouth. “Open up the hanger, here’s comes an airplane~” Benrey coos, and Gordon sets his jaw firmly in place. “Aw, don’t be a grumpy baby!” They pout, and Gordon feels a hand wiggle across his side.

An involuntarily giggle escapes his mouth, but Benrey places a giant kiss on his lips instead of inserting a french fry. Caught off guard yet not wanting to give them the satisfaction, Gordon extends the kiss for several long moments. He relishes in the surge of emotions, welcome for the distraction from the screaming in his brain.

“Y’all need to eat before your food gets cold” Chell snorts, with Tommy stifling a giggle beside her. He feels his face flush with embarrassment, but Benrey grins and kisses him even more.

She stayed with him when Benrey left with Tommy to pick up spare clothes for staying with Gordon overnight at the hospital. “The recovery is going to be rough, I just thought I should warn you” Chell mentions, and he sighs. “They’ll most likely put you on chemo post-surgery, to make sure it doesn’t come back somewhere else”.

She sighs. “It’s a shame you aren’t a kid, or you would have been given a trip to Disney World” She continues melodramatically, and Gordon snorts at the mental image. “Can you imagine, a 23 year old getting VIP access to seeing a bunch of Disney characters? Wearing one of those stupid Micheal ‘Mickey’ Mouse hats?” He laughs, and Chell smiles. “Or, I’m on the teacup rides trying to outspin the 7 year old next to me”. 

“I was 11 at the time when I went, and I was still mainly in a wheelchair. My prosthetics would wear me out after an hour or two, so I’d need a lot of breaks. I remember being hoisted into those damn teacups by my dad, and I made him almost vomit because he dared to ride it with me” She recalls fondly, and Gordon smiles at the thought of a younger Chell being just as wicked as she was now.

“How long before you got to where you are now?” He asks, and she ponders for a moment. “It was like relearning to walk all over again. However, I managed to join my high school’s track team in my junior year” She elaborates, grinning towards the end. “It was always funny seeing the look on the other high school team’s faces when they saw me”.

“I don’t run as much anymore because I extremely prefer having functioning knees” Chell finishes, and Gordon nods in understanding. “I didn’t start jogging until I was well into transitioning, and I was such a shut-in during high school. Puberty made me so uncomfortable that I just.. didn’t want to interact with the world whenever possible”.

“I also needed a way to let out my new surge in energy, and it helped me feel less anxious so it was a win-win” He adds, sighing. “Time to call my sister...”.

He had finished getting a loud earful from his younger sibling when Benrey returned with a backpack and new clothes on. And... a motorcycle helmet? “I didn’t know you had a bike” He expresses, and they grin. “What kind of a rockstar would I be if I didn’t?” They reply, snickering. “I’ll take you for a ride on it sometime, bro”.

“Tommy’s waiting outside for ya” They mention to Chell, and she gives Gordon’s good hand a tight squeeze. “It’s gonna be okay, dude. You have a two-time cancer survivor to ward off the bad luck. Tommy and I’ll be here when you wake up from the surgery” She assures him, and he clings to her hopeful perspective like glue.

It was only nine in the evening, but he felt exhausted. “Time to go night-night?” Benrey asks teasingly, and Gordon shoots him an exasperated look. They flick a switch on the wall, and a nightlight in the corner of the room becomes the only source of illumination.

“I brought you some spare clothes” They say, placing clean underwear, a t-shirt and some sweatpants on his bed. His face blushes in an instant when he sees the boxer briefs. “You had to go through my underwear drawer... huh?” He mumbles, and Benrey’s eyes focus on a corner of the room. “Yeah uh, sorry ‘bout that, I figured I’d grab them while Tommy was getting Joshua” They mutter, looking as equally embarrassed.

Gordon pushed himself to a sitting position, removing his glasses and setting them upon the nearby table. “Can... can you turn around?” He requests nervously, and Benrey obliges him in an instant. He peels his sweaty jeans and underwear off his body, thankful for the low visibility in the room. Replacing them with the clean versions that Benrey brought for him, he moved onto attempting to remove his sweater.

He only managed to get his left arm out before becoming stuck on how to carefully slide the right out without yanking on his IV tubing. “Benrey.. I need help” He whimpers, realizing how helpless and stupid he must look. Yet, they didn’t laugh when they turned around and crouched in front of him. They wiped tears from his cheek that he didn’t even realize were there, but sniffing confirmed that he was indeed crying as mucus clogged his nostrils.

Benrey helped delicately remove his other sleeve, stopping for a brief moment to glance at Gordon’s surgery scars before helping pull on the t-shirt, which was much easier to manage with the shorter sleeves. He felt a sob rise in his throat, and Benrey drew him into a tight hug. Their slender fingers carved wrinkles into the back of his shirt as the dam holding back his emotions shattered.

“I’m so scared, B-benrey. Really scared. I haven’t been this scared since I came out to my parents” He cried, his voice hitching in his throat, tightly gripping their lower back despite the twinge of pain it sparked in his right hand. “I just want you to know that... I love you, okay? I love you a whole fucking lot” Gordon wails, lifting his head to gaze into Benrey’s eyes.

There’s no hesitation in their face this time, it’s completely serious. “I love you too” They murmur, leaning forward to give them a passionate kiss on the lips. Their hands travel up his back to entangle in his hair, and he shudders at the sensation. His left hand does the same, finding the nape of their neck and reveling in the soft buzzed hair that tickles his palm. They make a sound resembling a sigh, and Gordon pulls away so he can gasp for air.

“Now I’m..  _really_ not going to be able to sleep tonight” He mutters, softly pressing his forehead against Benrey’s. He feels them smile as they give his cheek a kiss. “I think I can help wear you out~” They smirk, and Gordon blushes as they pull him into another kiss.

“I love you”. That was the first thing he could recall when he opened his eyes. Not where he was, or what had happened, but that Benrey had told him they loved him. Speaking of his partner, they stood in the center of his vision, asking him something.

“How do you feel?” They ask, and he wants to tell them how beautiful their eyes are. Instead, all he manages is a sleepy, “Sore”. 

Benrey smiles, and it feels like he’s looking at the sun. “Where at?” is their second question, and Gordon chuckles. “Everywhere” He mutters, a lopsided smile forming on his face. He hears a cackle from his partner. “I’m a little sore too~” They whisper into his ear, and he giggles.

That’s when Gordon finally realizes that his right hand is missing. He can’t feel it anymore, and his cursory glance to the side confirms that. It’s elevated by a sling connected to the ceiling, and it’s strapped underneath his bicep.

His arm now ended halfway past his elbow, and it was enveloped in compression bandages. “I need a pirate hook...” He mutters, and he hears Chell laugh. “God, you’re on so much morphine” She exclaims, finally noticing her in the background along with Darnold and Tommy.

“We’re glad you’re doing alright... or as alright as you can be!” Darnold says, putting on a worried smile. ”Yeah!” Tommy adds, matching his smile. Gordon’s mind drifts to the future. “Paying medical bills and graduate school, huh? I’m a lucky guy” He remarks weakly, but Tommy makes a noise of excitement.

“Actually, you don’t have to worry about that! My dad took care of it” They say cryptically, and Gordon can’t be bothered to ask for clarification as he feels a wave of drowsiness. “Get some sleep, bro” Benrey says, giving his forehead a kiss and he eases into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hurt/comfort is on the way 👀


	8. Survival

The pathology findings on his former hand had been frightening with how much the tumor had warped the cells around it, and he was grateful that it was no longer attached to him. He was to be in the hospital for the next several days, and before being discharged, he would be started on adjuvant chemotherapy.  Every 3 weeks, he would visit the hospital for an intravenous injection. They estimated that he could be on the drug for upwards of a year, but it all depended on his body’s status at the end of each treatment cycle. Chell said that the chemo was sometimes more hellish than learning to walk again.

Benrey left his bedside only for the bathroom or food. Currently, they had gone to get some breakfast from an Au Bon Pain down the street. Gordon wished he could have coffee, but his nurse recommended against it while his stump was healing.

There was a knock at the door, and someone asked if they could come in, their voice coarse like gravel. “Yeah” He replied, momentarily concerned that he was inviting in a vampire. An extremely tall man walked in, his hair cut short to his scalp with wrinkle folds on his forehead. They were also present around his mouth, which accentuated his polite but unnerving smile. The handle of a black leather briefcase was gripped in one hand.

“Did I wake you?” The stranger asks, and Gordon shakes his head. “I apologize for dropping in unexpectedly. I had.. business to attend to in the area, so I thought I would stop by to.. introduce myself. I’m Giovanni Shapiro, Tommy’s father” The man says with the kind of slow cadence one would expect from an elementary school teacher. “I think I’ve seen you before, you’re a well known alumni of MIT, aren’t you?” He responds, and they nod.

“In the flesh. Now, I imagine you heard that I took the liberty of paying for your medical expenses due to.. unfortunate circumstances” They continue, glancing at Gordon’s hanging arm. “I wanted to inform you that I did this as.. a favor for my son, since they’ve grown quite fond of you. They often tell me about you on our phone calls” He confides, his smile turning sincere. “I also did it for your partner”.

“Benrey?” Gordon asks confusedly, not seeing how they fit into this.

“I’ve known Benrey for an.. extremely long time. A friendship with Tommy stemming from childhood has practically made them part of the family. I’ve never seen them quite this... attached to someone before” He asserts, studying Gordon closely. 

“No one is more deserving of a rest than the one who pulled our dear Benrey out of their depression. It seems that they’ve finally found their.. muse” Mr. Shapiro states, their chuckle more of a soft hum, and Gordon doesn’t know what to say.

“Maybe the fact that we’re both trans explains how we relate so well to another” He jokes, mostly to himself. However, Tommy’s father hears him. “I must admit I admit I have a.. fascination with those who adapt and survive against all odds. They rather remind me of myself.. due to that same commonality that you share with Benrey” They say wistfully, and Gordon’s eyes widen with surprise.  “Giovanni was not always my name, but it perfectly fit the.. presence that I desired” Tommy’s father adds, and Gordon feels a strong desire to converse more with the man. Instead, they glance at the clock on the wall and sigh. 

“Now, while I’ve only just arrived, this is where I must get off. But before I go, I have this to say.. if you and Benrey were to part ways in a... less than amicable fashion, prepare for unforeseen consequences, hm?” He warns lowly with his sharp blue eyes, despite the otherwise neutral expression on his face. 

The desire to discuss gender identity with the man vanishes into smoke and is swiftly replaced by fear. He nods nervously, and the man seems satisfied by the response. Without another word, they leave the room, and Gordon is left wondering if that was all a strange dream.

He was excited to finally leave the hospital, but first, he had to sit for 20 minutes while the chemotherapy entered his bloodstream. “I’ll be here for every single one of these, bro” Benrey murmured, giving his hand a kiss. His right arm sat in a shoulder sling, and he was advised to keep the rigid dressing on it for the next month.

When they had changed Gordon’s bandages for the first time, he wasn’t able to look at the stump where his hand once was. He didn’t feel emotionally prepared for the sight. The nurse had said that was a common reaction.  But now, when they checked his wound today, he was able to stomach the appearance of it. The skin was dark and swollen, but otherwise normal despite the fact that no longer was there a hand attached to the end. 

“I have a lot of homework to catch up on” Gordon sighs, and Benrey chuckles. “Chell and Tommy already worked with the Dean on your behalf, it’ll be fine” They smile, nuzzling their head against his. “Also, I know you just had surgery, but there’s a second helmet with your name on it outside~” His partner murmurs into his ear, and he grins at the proposition.

When they escorted him out of the hospital in a wheelchair, they assured the staff that their car was parked farther out in the lot. And technically, it was. They wouldn’t be able to see Gordon put on a full-frontal motorcycle helmet and wrap his left arm around Benrey’s waist. “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea- Ah!” He murmurs, thinking of how he was at risk of falling off before Benrey revved the engine and sped out of the parking lot with a maniacal cackle.

His heart thumped wildly in his chest as they breezed through the light late-morning traffic. The wind caused his hair to billow out behind him, and he felt more alive than he had since his first night in the hospital. Crossing a bridge towards Gordon’s apartment, he felt the warmth of the sun on his back in between the shadows of skyscrapers.  The Charles River sparkled under the light, and he enjoyed the simple sight of it far more than he would have prior to his hospitalization.

Parking outside his apartment, Gordon felt his adrenaline sharply crash. “That was... exhilarating” He tried to remark excitedly, but a yawn escaped his lips. Benrey grinned. “Aw, do I need to put someone down for his afternoon nap~” They say, and Gordon smiles as he leans on his partner’s shoulder to walk up the stairs.

Someone had cleaned his apartment while he had been gone, and he made a mental note to thank his friends as he made a beeline for his bedroom. Sinking into the mattress, he let out a sigh at it’s softness compared to the firm hospital bed that he had grown accustomed to.

He soon felt Benrey’s presence beside him. “I could go for a nap too” They murmur, stretching out like a cat across the comforter. After removing his glasses, he turns onto his left side and presses himself against their chest. They wrap their arm around his back to pull them closer, and he felt completely at peace.

He managed to catch up with his schoolwork relatively easy, especially since he had already uploaded the necessary lectures for his two classes the day before his surgery. But not everything was as easy as studying for an exam or grading projects.

He was on morphine when he was in the hospital, but in order to prevent dependence, they set up a prescription regiment of hydrocodone to continue with managing his pain while also slowly tapering him off. After two weeks, he was beginning to experience “phantom limb syndrome”.

At first, it was just an itching sensation, as if he needed to scratch the back of his missing right hand. Soon, he started feeling pain, where it seemed like he was shoving the stump into burning sand. He’d grab a icepack and lay on the couch whenever it happened, trying to block out the pain.

He tried to hide it from everyone, because he didn’t want them to worry. But when it happened in class, there was no hiding it from Chell. She sniffed him out after a few short glances of seeing his face contort with suppressed anguish. “Phantom limb pain, isn’t it? It’s rough” She empathized softly once they had left the classroom. “It fucking  _sucks_ ” He whispers harshly, wishing he could kill the aggravated nerves with a well-placed slam to the wall.

“Heating pads always worked for me” She continues, fishing one out of her backpack. “I meant to give it to you when you were discharged”. He grabs it appreciatively, and gives her an awkward half hug. “Thank you” He murmurs, and she waves him off. “Now get your ass home and relax, nerd” Chell sneers in jest, and he chuckles.

Benrey was waiting for him, and so was Joshua. They had kept him over at Tommy’s apartment while Gordon recovered, and he was glad to have his precious son back. “Hey, Joshie!” He cooed, giving the excited canine a one-armed hug. The maneuver left him wide-open for a deluge of wet dog kisses, causing him to laugh, and for once he didn’t mind being slobbered on. It momentarily distracted from the pain in his arm. 

“I made us lunch~” Benrey drawled, placing two plates of lasagna on the kitchen table. He smiled appreciatively, giving a heartfelt ‘thank you’ before digging in. He tried to focus on the tantalizing flavor of the sauce-covered pasta in his mouth, but his frustration only grew.

“What’s with the long face, Gourd?” They ask, a smirk on their face that doesn’t stay amused for long when he doesn’t reply. “Gordon?”. He sighs. “I was absolutely exhausted giving my first lecture today. I had to sit down for the last half of it, because I had no energy to stand anymore. In MHD, I could barely focus because my damn arm was in so much pain” Gordon rants, his left hand tightening around his fork. 

“What kind of pain?” Benrey probes, and he stabs a pile of pasta with his fork to shove in his mouth. “A rough burning, like hot sandpaper” He mumbles, the pain lingering in his thoughts like an annoying gnat. “You need some ice? Some tylenol?” They continue, and Gordon’s blood feels like it’s boiling.

He stands up from his seat, unable to hold back his emotions any longer. “I can’t take it anymore! I hate it! I feel so useless, so fucking useless!” He shouts, and Benrey looks taken aback as he bangs a fist against the table.

“I thought things were finally looking up for me! My mental health was better than it had ever been in my entire life, and this cancer fucking sets that all back! I feel like I’m back at my parent’s house, when I was trying and failing to hold it altogether” Gordon continues, his voice growing softer as he turns away to sink onto the floor in a heap.

“I’ve worked so hard to become independent... and now I won’t even be able to do my T shot on my own for a while” He finishes, his anger snuffed out by an immense wave of worthlessness. Tears fill his vision. “I should just stop complaining and be grateful that I’m alive, but I just fucking can’t” Gordon sniffs, lifting his glasses to wipe his eyes.

A set of arms wrap around him, and he doesn’t even bother looking as he burrows into their chest with a choked sob. He’s scooped off the ground and pulled into their lap, and one hand teases soothingly through his hair while the other rubs his back. “I’m a fucking mess, what’s wrong with me?” He whines, his grasp on them tightening. “Nothing at all, baby, nothing at all” They whisper, and more tears form at the usage of the nickname.

They sit like that for a while, even after Gordon had stopped sobbing. When he thinks about saying something or getting up, he instead just sinks further into their comforting embrace. Unexpectedly, he feels a rumble in Benrey’s chest as they begin to sing.

“ _Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality_ ” They murmur softly, the resonance from their throat sending a soft vibration against his face. A small smile forms on his face. He’s not about to object to hearing his partner’s beautiful voice.

When Benrey eventually reaches the climax of the song, Gordon pipes in with softly spoken backup vocals. After the two of them sing the final verse of the song together, he tilts his head to give a kiss to his partner’s jawline. They’re swift to return the favor with a two for one deal: a kiss on his forehead, and one on the lips.

He extended the duration of the second one by pulling Benrey forward by the collar of their hoodie. “I love you so much” Gordon mumbles, pulling away to breathe, and he hears them respond with a swift, “I love you so much too” before being yanked back in.

At his eventual suggestion, because he didn’t want Joshua being a witness, Benrey picked up Gordon and took them to his bedroom, making sure to shut the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m like inches away from making a separate fic with the two NSFW scenes I left implied, because I really wanna write trans inclusive sex stuff, as a fellow intersex trans dude dhdhdjd There’s not enough of it out there!


	9. Citizen Erased

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next are just gonna be short and characterization related!

The two of them were cuddling on his bed, and Gordon was caught up in playing with Benrey’s hair when a mood-altering thought entered his mind. “I still can’t really get over the fact that you’ll probably never meet my parents” He says, and Benrey chuckles. “From the small amount of things that you’ve told me, I doubt I’d want to” They reply, and Gordon smiles, his stump laying across their bare chest.

“Still, it’s sort of a common social thing, having your parents meet your current partner. Even if I’d never want their approval on you, I still feel that compulsion” He elaborates, sighing. “I was their first kid, so learning that I wasn’t ‘normal’ made them scared. They made sure I wouldn’t lag behind by getting me an IEP, but when I started middle school, they thought I had ‘grown out of it’”.

He smiles darkly. “My dad used to yell at me for not understanding my algebra homework, and my mom would tell me that I was so lazy when I’d come home from school to play video games to relax” Gordon mentions, and Benrey turns to gaze at him more closely.

“My sister told me that they expected more from her because of ‘all my issues’. The pressure they put on me to be ‘normal’? They pushed her to be the perfect student that I could never be due to my executive dysfunction, and that wasn’t without consequence. All that infuriatingly infantilizing attention they gave me left her with no emotional support”.

“And speaking of fucking with our emotions, my parents would also belittle my hobbies! I went through a phase of raising succulents, and all they had were negative things to say. Things like ‘Your room smells’, ‘you’re like a hoarder’, or ‘you should get rid of some of them’. My collections of books? ‘Donate them, you’re not reading them!’. My old anime figurines? ‘They’re just junk collecting dust’”.

Gordon stares at the blank white ceiling. “Was all that really necessary? Did they have to say those kinds of things? Were they trying to help me ‘grow up’? To become less of the stereotype of an autistic person with childlike, niche interests? By being the bullies I never faced in school?” He poses rhetorically, his hand clenching a fistful of fabric.

“How could they say that they loved me, but turn around and slap me for the things that I enjoyed? Why did I have to emotionally severe myself from my parents at the age of 13, while my peers never had to, when they forced me into therapy after invasively reading my depressed messages to a friend? Why couldn’t I have had parents who didn’t tell me that they hated my new name, and might never use it for me?”.

“It seems so fucking easy in hindsight for them to have been better, but they weren’t, and it infuriates me! I deserved better, but no, I had to cut those bastards out of my life so they couldn’t keep slicing into every bit of happiness or freedom that I experienced because they thought it would prevent me from being ‘normal’!” He growls, wishing he could shred his sheets with his fingernails.

”I had to keep everything bottled up so they couldn’t use it as ammo, but all that suppressed anger was extremely corrosive, and starting hormones just made me combust. I wanted better for myself, and they had to be out of the picture for my own sake”.

Benrey coaxes his hand out of it’s tense flexion. “I’m sorry you had to go through that, and you’re right that it wasn’t fair” They murmur, giving his forehead a kiss. He sinks into their body, laying his head against their shoulder. “It got so fucking tiring trying to deal with them during undergrad that I just... couldn’t take it anymore” Gordon mumbles, feeling a delicate hand travel in an arc back and forth across his shoulders.

“I didn’t even mention how they would always shut down my political-fueled opinions, mostly likely fueled by ableist ageism as well” He adds bitterly, not even wanting to step foot into that toxic swamp of irritation.

Benrey didn’t say anything for a while, their palm continuing to rub circles into his upper back. “You’re gonna pop a blood vessel from thinking too hard, spit it out” He jokes, and they snort. “Not everyone has their tragic life story practiced perfectly, Dr. Feetman” They retort, and Gordon laughs.

“Not to pry, but does your sister have any mental health diagnoses?” Benrey asks, and Gordon is wondering where this line of thought is going. “Yeah, she’s got BPD, depression, and anxiety” He responds, and their eyes light up. “Bipolar disorder, or borderline personality disorder?” They clarify, and Gordon signifies the latter.

“Well, did you know that I have that?” Benrey asks, a smug grin on their face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If your pillowtalk doesn’t include talking about childhood hardships, you’re doing it wrong /s
> 
> Everything that Gordon says in this fic? It’s 100% my experiences as a hoh neurodivergent intersex trans man. 
> 
> My birth: “Hey your kid is gonna be deaf in one ear, missing a kidney, and intersex!  
> Early childhood: “They have ADHD and probably autism!”  
> Me, at 19: Hey I’m trans!  
> My parents: *incoherent screaming about how I should just be fucking normal*
> 
> My sister has BPD in real life so I’m gonna draw upon that!


	10. Micro Cuts

“Really?” Gordon asks, and they nod. “During high school, I had some.. _seriously_ bad anger problems. I’d get into fights over the stupidest of things, and then, uh, after the dust would settle, I’d be blubbering like a baby. And with school being difficult because of my ADHD, I just, felt so bored. I’d be zoned out completely until something would either pique my interest or make me explode with rage” They drawl, eventually letting out a sigh.

“When I’d go to bed at night, the paranoia of being kicked out by my adoptive parents was so overwhelming that I’d hardly sleep” Benrey murmurs more quietly, and Gordon nuzzles his face into their neck. “And of course, you’ve, um, seen the scars on my thigh”.

“It took a lot of therapy to get where I am today.. and even then, I still have my off days. Used to take motorcycle trips across the state just to try and feel _something_ other than  boredom. But then I met you” They say, turning to look directly into his eyes. “You were so adorable in your flannel shirt and converse, and I knew I just  _ had _ to talk to you. Usually, I’m a super big asshole, which is a bad habit of mine, but instead of it driving you away, it brought you closer”.

“I was an absolute chickenhead before I saw you again. Wasn’t exactly subtle asking Tommy nearly every day about you. And I wrote Sweet Voice in less than a day, the fastest I’ve ever written a song” They smirk, and Gordon’s face blushes, earning him a kiss on the forehead.

“But I was so worried you wouldn’t show up to the concert, and it was the first time I had ever been anxious before a show. I think it, uh, would have broken me, being rejected like that. It was this stupid nagging thought in the back of my head: ‘Stop becoming so attached, it’s not going to end well’” Benrey continued lowly, their voice hoarse with anxiety. 

Gordon wraps himself around them as much as he possibly can in response. “I can’t speak for the future very well, due to you-know-what, but at the very moment? I adore you wholeheartedly, Benrey, and there’s no one else in the world I’d rather have by my side through all this” He assures them, and his partner buries their face into his shoulder. 

He hears them sniffle, and now it’s his turn to comfort them. Their torso is much longer than his, so his hand rubs across the middle of their back rather than across their shoulders. “Why are you so damn tall?” Gordon mutters under his breath, and that makes Benrey cackle. “It’s.. it’s because I’m better than you, duh” They mumble, and they shift suddenly. Before he can do anything, Gordon is pinned to the bed by his shoulders while his waist is straddled by Benrey’s knees.

“It also lets me do this~” They tease, leering down at Gordon’s flushed face. Rather thanexperiencing a sensual caress, Benrey’s fingers play his ribs like a xylophone. “Oh my god, no! Please!” Gordon exclaims, trying not to laugh as they begin tickling his exposed torso. But he’s trapped, and he‘s forced to experience the unrelenting sensation. “I-I’ll kick you in the nuts! I’ll do it, I’m c-crazy!” He yells while recoiling, his chest hurting from all the laughter. 

His partner chuckles. “Oh, you wouldn’t hurt a fly, Feetman~” They murmur, lowering onto their elbows to give him a condescending kiss on the cheek. He watches them trace the curve of his jawline before ensnaring their fingers in the hair underneath his head as they settle back down beside him.

“Orange” They suddenly announce, and Gordon’s eyebrows furrow with confusion. “Orange?” He clarifies, and Benrey chuckles. “Your voice, that’s what color it is. Like how sunlight colors a morning autumn fog” They add, and Gordon still feels lost.

“I have auditory-visual synesthesia, and for me, people’s voices or the sounds around me have colors” Benrey illuminates, and the understanding finally dawns on his face. “That’s cool” He remarks, and they shrug. “Sometimes it’s annoying, especially back when I had those anger outbursts in high school. It can get overwhelming, especially if there’s a lot of noise around me at once”.

He nods emphatically. “That makes sense. Public school was always so loud, and I would have killed for a soundproof room to relax in after each day” Gordon replies, and Benrey casts a glance at the wall. “When I got diagnosed at 16 with BPD, I remember that I was so worried that my folks wouldn’t want me anymore... but they took it in stride and I couldn’t be more thankful” They muse, and Gordon gives their shoulder a squeeze.

“Maybe I oughta meet them sometime” He grins, and Benrey somehow looks surprised. “You mean that?” They mumble, and Gordon rolls his eyes. “Of course!” He replies, before ending with a teasing, “Besides, maybe I’ll get a glimpse of some embarrassing school photos of you~”.

Benrey cackles again, and Gordon savors every second of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This duo of characterization chapters are actually interlinked in the album they’re from! The ending of Citizen Erased transitions perfectly into the beginning of Micro Cuts. Here’s a playlist of all the chapter names so far (plus the next one!)
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLc0ytpIQG6qZnqO8iTUOBcjUdre3PjmkL


	11. I Belong to You

Today’s weather forecast called for flurries of discarded hair, and there was quite a dusting of it on the linoleum floor of the barber shop. Something he took great pride in was now soon-to-be trash. When he thought about how his parents had teased him for wanting to be a guy with long hair, his hand balled into a fist. He almost didn’t hear the small-talk initiated by the woman shearing him like a sheep.

“Do you have any plans for winter break?” She asked, concentrating on chopping off over a foot of his hair. “Not much. I’m just glad that I only have one more final” Gordon quipped casually, feeling naked without his glasses on. While he was nearsighted, he still struggled to see himself in the mirror that was only a few feet from his face. All he knew was that he was slowly but surely seeing more and more of his head.

The final result was fourteen inches of healthy hair in divided sections, while the split ends littered the floor. After that ordeal, he just wanted to take a nap. He was exhausted from studying for his MHD exam the night before, but it was in less than an hour so he needed to stay awake. He got himself a cup of Dunkin coffee as liquid encouragement and made his way back to campus.

“Oh wow, look at you, Gordos!” Chell smiled as he approached the testing location. “I was bald for a few months cause of chemo, so it’s good to know you got a  leg up on me” She adds, her eyebrows raising at her joke. He laughs, grateful for the change in his dour mood. Tommy arrived soon after, and the three of them wished each other good luck as the doors were opened by the proctor. Almost two hours later, he emerged even more worn-out than when he had entered from the countless intensive equations.

He wanted to hang out with Benrey once they got out of band practice, so Tommy drove the two of them back to their apartment. “I’m... I think I’m gonna go pass out in their room” He stated once they arrived, dropping his bag unceremoniously by the door, letting loose a long yawn. Gordon didn’t even hear if they responded as he navigated his way up the flight of stairs at the other end of the apartment. Pushing open the first door on his left, he nearly launched himself into the soft black comforter. He removed his glasses, tossing them onto the nearby nightstand, and the last thing he saw before closing his eyes was the multi-colored band posters cocooning the walls.

Gordon’s brain was heavy with dense fog when he awoke, and it didn’t help that the room was pitch black as well. His first coherent thought was that he needed to pee, and he haphazardly grabbed his glasses as he felt his way slowly towards the door. His eyes blinked away spots as he opened it, thankful that the hallway light wasn’t on. 

The sound of conversation floated up from the lower level, but he focused his attention towards the bathroom. He had no idea what time it was, and after washing his hand, he realized his phone was still shoved inside his pocket. It was nearly 7pm, and he had been asleep for a little over three hours.

Lowering his face into the sink, Gordon let the water drip down his chin after soaking his hand. His body begged for more sleep, but his mind was too turbulent with hazy static. With his face dried off, he slowly descended the staircase towards the main level. Benrey sat on the sofa across from the TV, a gaming headset on as they focused on attacking other players in  _ Halo._

Not wanting to disrupt their attention, he decided to wait until the round finished. It wasn’t long until another player came barreling into Benrey’s vehicle, launching their now dead body several dozen feet as the machine exploded on impact.

“That was  _ so _ not poggers” Gordon stated, wrapping his arms around their shoulders. This startled his partner, but not for long. They let out a hearty laugh, lifting their head up to look him in the eyes. “Hey, sleepyhead” Benrey mumbled, still grinning from the joke. He pressed his lips against theirs for a quick kiss, smiling at how they pouted when he pulled out of reach. “Noooo, more kissies!” They whined, and he laughed as he maneuvered around to join them on the sofa. He gave them a few more for good measure before sinking into the cushions with a sigh.

“God, I’m still so tired” Gordon mutters, as Benrey puts an arm around them. “Does my baby need to go down for another nap?” They murmur, pressing a kiss into his hair. He doesn’t respond, simply leaning into them further as he closes his eyes. With one hand, they run their fingers across his scalp and he melts under the comforting touch. “I miss your long hair, but now my man’s all soft and fuzzy” They continue, and he chuckles at the Lemon Demon reference.

The two of them sit like that for a while; Benrey playing their game of Reach, while Gordon sleepily spectates. But he’s more focused on how soft their hoodie is, and how their deodorant evokes the image of a trek through the woods. The thin stubble gracing their jawline, the way their chest rumbles when they laugh at their teammates or an opposing player. He feels at home. Eventually, they catch him staring and give him their signature shit-eating grin which makes his stomach flip with embarrassment.This causes them to leave the game, finally setting down their controller and turning off their XBOX One after they remove their headset.

Gordon was caught off guard completely when they suddenly scooped him up into their lap. “I think my baby needs more attention” Benrey suggests slyly, and his face flushed with even more embarrassment. But instead of pivoting towards something sexually intimate, they merely pressed a hand against his back and rubbed between his shoulder blades while the other supported his neck. He relaxed under the gentle motion, pressing his face underneath their jaw.

“You, uh, excited for the holiday party this weekend?” They later ask, as Gordon thought he was on the cusp of passing out. “Mmhm, I think you’ll like the present I got you...” He mumbles, and he doesn’t have to open his eyes to know that they’re staring at him like an excited cat.

The weather channel had been discussing the possibility of snow for a week now, but he didn’t expect there to already be a foot of it blanketing the streets when he woke up later that week. His breath had already fogged up the window when Benrey slid out of bed to join him in watching the snowflakes drift from the sky. He didn’t say anything as he hurried to go shovel in a breakfast bar before he dug through his closet for his snow clothing. 

“When I moved to Boston for school, I hadn’t experienced more than a few inches of snow in my whole life. But my freshmen year, we got that huge blizzard, so I was all over that shit” He says, explaining to his partner as they watched him amusingly from their seat on the bed. 

“Nah, I get it. Snow was nonexistent where I grew up in New Mexico as a kid, unless you lived, like, high up in the Rockies. Didn’t see it myself until I was adopted by my folks up here” They reply, as Gordon deliberates what to do with his half-empty right jacket sleeve. With Benrey’s help, it gets tied in a knot. 

“Well, I guess I’m gonna be here for a while, since using my motorcycle in the snow isn’t safe, huh?” His partner implies salaciously, and he rolls his eyes as he throws a spare set of gloves at their face. “I wanna go make snow angels on Killian before it gets too crowded” He replies, not wanting his childlike wonder to warp from dirty temptations, grabbing Joshua’s leash to attach to his harness.

It was the dog’s first snow, and it was a delight watching him gingerly press his paws into the cold substance when they got to the street. They gave a short whine of confusion, looking up at Gordon for reassurance. With a nod of his head, he seemed to find the courage to step through the precipitation wholeheartedly. Eventually, after the couple had walked down the block, he was bulldozing through the drifts of snow with excitement. Benrey took the leash from Gordon so they could hold his hand, and the gesture made his cheeks burn, his partner grinning with a knowing smile.

The outline of the infamous Great Dome would have blended into the gray afternoon sky, if not for the large letters spelling out “Good Luck on Finals!” that hackers had painted across it earlier in the week. It was the last day of them, but thankfully due to the time, it wasn’t absolutely swarming with students eager for a break. There were one or two groups making snowmen, but the lawn was otherwise pristine and silent. Knowing that Joshua wouldn’t stray far, he let go of their leash and watched them go. As the canine zoomed around trying to catch falling snowflakes with snapping jaws, he began slowly forming a snowball with his one hand.

He whistled, and the dog’s ears perked up. “Here boy, catch!” Gordon yelled, and they launched towards the clump of snow as he hurtled it across the air. When they “caught” the snowball, it exploded in their mouth like a colder version of confetti. Benrey chuckled as he repeated this several times, Joshua going to maddening lengths to chomp on lumps of cold water. He was feeling mischievous, so he turned to his partner and threw a snowball right at their chest, watching it disintegrate upon collision.

“Ohhh, man. Do you know what you’ve just started? I don’t think Feetman knows what he’s done, Joshua” They reply with a villainous expression, shooting a glance towards the nearby tail-wagging pup. “I’m not scared of you” Gordon replied with a roll of his eyes, silently unnerved by the growing rabid look in their eyes. “Baby, you should be” Benrey countered chillingly, and his body shivered, but not from the cold. Without a second thought, he turned and ran to hide behind the nearest tree. 

Just as he reached cover, the tell-tale thunk of a snowball hitting the other side alerted him to what he was up against. He used the side of his boot to press snow against his hand, hoping it would help expedite the process of putting snowballs together. But before he could make a few to hold in the crook of his arm, he glanced up to see their tall frame towering over him.

“Sup” They smirked, and he narrowly avoided the deluge of snowballs that dropped from above his head as he dove to the other side of the tree. Scrambling to his feet with a nervous laugh, he hauled ass across the large field, Joshua bounding after him. Shooting a look over his shoulder, he was shocked to find that they were nearly keeping up with his sprint. 

His boot tripped on something, however, and he managed to twist his body just in time to land on his back. “Oh shit.. you okay?” Benrey asked worriedly, gazing down at him once they caught up, their black clothing a stark contrast against the snow falling down around them.

Gordon reached up, yanking down on their hand to drag them to the ground as well. They fell like a tree, not expecting the sudden shift in their balance, and he laughed as they received a face full of snow. “S-serves you right!” He said, Joshua barking at the fallen titan of a person. They flipped onto their back, their eyes squeezed shut as they blew a raspberry at him.

“Aw, don’t be grumpy” He giggled, leaning over to give them a smooch on the cheek. Benrey opened one eye skeptically at this. “You’ve deeply wounded this clown’s pride, I’m gonna need more kisses than that” They waxed dramatically, pressing the back of a hand to their forehead. He rolled his eyes at this, but gave in to their demand by pressing their lips together.

Benrey reached around his neck to pull him closer, and all he could hear was the wondrous sounds of them breathing. They pulled away after a while, staring up into his eyes. “God, Gordon, you’re so pretty... did you know that?” They murmured, studying him with a look of astonished wonder. His face raised in temperature, and he was reeling from the sudden compliment too much to realize what was happening. Before he could do anything, they shoved a handful of snow up the back of his jacket. He shuddered at the extreme temperature difference, trying to brush it off his skin with his gloved hand. “You bastard!” He yelled, watching Benrey run away cackling before he chased after them.

“It’s time for presents!” Tommy announced excitedly, after the group had finished up their dinner of lasagna and garlic bread. Darnold, Chell, Benrey, and Gordon all helped clean up the dishes from the table, despite Tommy’s insistence on doing it themself. “It’s not that much of a hassle, really” Gordon insisted, depositing his plate and silverware in the sink. He kept his glass of water, however, refilling it now that he had the opportunity. The party of five gradually drifted over to the living room, the tension in the room desperate for the cathartic destruction of wrapping paper. Darnold was somehow more excited than Tommy, probably due to the fact that he was Jewish and didn’t typically receive gifts at this time of year.

He tore open his gift from Tommy, removing the paper concealing the paper clothing box. Opening it revealed a navy long sleeved button-up that was decorated with white snowflakes. His eyes glistened with joy as he profusely thanked his partner, bestowing them with their gift in return. It was in a similarly shaped package, but inside was a winter sweater with Sunkist’s face on it. They immediately hugged their boyfriend, and slid it over their torso as quickly as possible. Benrey and Gordon’s gifts were picked up by Darnold next; he was grateful for the funky three-eyed glasses and pineapple-patterned socks respectively.

As he gave the two of them their individual gifts, Gordon tossed his towards Tommy. All three of them opened their gifts at the same time, each having varied excited reactions. Benrey pulled on their new cat-eared beanie with zero hesitation, while Gordon grinned at the sight of the orange blanket covered in pictures of Joshua. Tommy squealed at their new bowtie, the teal fabric covered in elements from the periodic table. They handed a small box over to Gordon, and the delicacy they handled it with made him curious. He pries open the packaging to find a plain coffee mug with the words “#1 Teacher” emblazoned across it. “I love these so much” He thanked, gesturing to both Darnold and Tommy.

Chell pulled out her gift to Tommy, and so did Benrey. A shirt that said “I <3 Men” with a rainbow filled heart made them throw their head back with laughter, and they tossed her their gift. She ripped open the paper to find a similar shirt, but with the words “I <3 Women” and with heart in the colors of the lesbian flag. Chell started laughing too, and Tommy tried their best to open Benrey’s gift with delicate hands. It was a crystal growing kit, more suited for children than adults, but they loved it all the same.

Chell and Gordon exchanged their gifts for each other, unveiling a rainbow umbrella and a shirt for the anime  _ Fullmetal Alchemist _ . “You’re gonna make jokes about my arm until the day I die, aren’t you?” He remarked dryly, after she had delighted quite loudly at his ‘disappointed’ reaction. When he eventually grabbed the box that fit in the palm of his hand from his pocket, he knew he had to immediately dispel everyone’s first thoughts. “It’s not what you think it is” He laughed nervously, handing the box over to Benrey as they handed him a larger one in return.

Their eyes lit up when they lifted the lid. They pulled out the unadorned steel ring from its cushion, giving it a closer look and eventually realizing its purpose. “Yo, I’ve always wanted one of these things..” Benrey exclaimed softly, giving the black jewelry a spin. He smiled and glanced down at his lap to discover what they had gotten for him. It was a white hoodie with the album cover design for Queen’s  _ A Night at the Opera, _the original home of _Bohemian Rhapsody_. When he looked up to express his gratitude at the new article of clothing, he saw that tears were openly flowing down his partner’s cheeks. Judging from how they held their hand, they had seen the inside of the ring. He’d had it inscribed with “Super Monkey Ball Deluxe Champion”. 

“Benrey?” He murmured gently, and they were silent as they pulled him into a hug. “So you love your gift?” Gordon clarified quietly into their ear, and they nodded eagerly in response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y’all should look up MIT hackers, cause they’ve done a bunch of fun nerdy pranks (like hanging a replica of GLaDOS from the ceiling of a building lobby)


	12. Thought Contagion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vomit content warning ahead!
> 
> I can’t believe I started this fic a month ago... and I have like, 3 more ideas for other stories too! This series though probs has a good 3 or so chapters left btw, I still got that creative juice flowing

He was feeling the beginning of a cold not even a month into the spring semester, but Gordon hauled himself out of bed regardless of its intoxicating comfort to turn off his alarm. He trudged to the bathroom with heavy feet, relying heavily upon the warm water from the faucet to wake him up. It didn’t. Benrey’s reflection peered from behind him when he lifted his head, too dazed from exhaustion to be startled.

“Today’s a big day...” They murmured sleepily, wrapping their arms around his torso and pressing cold fingers against his warm belly. He failed to suppress the shiver that rippled across his body at their chilly touch, so he decided to flip himself around so he could hug them back. Now, their hands were grasping at his ass through his boxer briefs, which was much more comfortable than his bare stomach. “Mmhm... anything but a normal Thursday” He replied sleepily, wishing he could just return to bed with them. But after a moment of soaking in the moment, he wrenched himself from their arms with a sigh and went to go decide on his outfit for the day.

They arrived at the hospital with a dozen minutes to spare, and the silence of the waiting room seeped into his lungs like a neurotoxin. He held Benrey’s hand as the minutes passed, fidgeting with their spinner ring as he worried and worried. When they finally called him to the examination room, he couldn’t even breathe a sigh of relief. His steps were instinctual and his mind empty as he followed the nurse. Gordon shot a glance back at Benrey over his shoulder, and they gave him an encouraging smile. He tried to think of their expression as the staff maneuvered his body into the MRI machine, doing his best not to twitch or fidget. The scan of his stump was slightly easier.

He wouldn’t know the results of them until later in the day, but the doctors were fairly optimistic that his cancer was in remission. That didn’t stop the dread pooling in his gut, though. The cold February wind was cutting through his jacket as Benrey drove them home on their motorcycle, but he hardly felt it. When they made it back to his apartment, he curled up in bed without a second thought. He just wanted the results as soon as possible, willing his brain to shut off so he could sleep until the phone rang. 

His schedule was freed up for this day for this very reason; he had skipped his grad class and cancelled the two he would have taught about kinetics today. Gordon felt his partner sidle into bed beside him, pressing their face against his hairline. They reached across his torso to hold his right arm, and he sighed at the gentle caresses that resulted from the action. His adrenaline began to bottom out, and he felt himself sink into a dreamy void.

“Your scans are all clear. I think it’s safe to say that your cancer is in remission, Gordon” Dr Laufner’s voice insisted over the phone, and he nearly dropped it as his tense muscles relaxed in an instant. “R-really?” He whispered tersely, not wanting to believe it. “Really. We’ll check back in a few months, of course. Also, Mr. Shapiro already said they were willing to pay for your prosthesis, so we can recommend you to the best clinic in the area..” She continued, but he was hardly processing it. He affirmed the scheduling of this new appointment without much fanfare, and then the call was over. 

“So?” Benrey asked, their face plastered with curiosity as they moved to sit next to him on the edge of the bed. “I’m... I’m cancer-free” Gordon murmured, not quite believing it. “Babe, that’s great!” They elated, drawing him into a hug. A whirlwind of emotions rampaged through his very core, and he didn’t know how to respond except by burying himself in their warm embrace. He used them as an anchor against the storm’s onslaught, trying to focus on how safe they made him feel when he was wrapped in their arms. Cancer had invaded his every thought for the past several months, and now that he didn’t have to worry about that anymore? It was a festering wound that he hadn’t thought was possible of healing.

“I should text everyone” He mumbles into their neck, picking up his phone and texting their group chat the good news. It buzzed with immediate responses that he managed to smile at. Tommy had used quite a lot of bitmojis, while Chell sent a gif of some anime character giving a thumbs up. A separate message was sent to his sister, and a thought shined bright in his consciousness. “Before I forget.. can you help me do my shot?” He asked quietly, hating that he still couldn’t do it one-handed. “Of course” Benrey responded simply, and Gordon sat up to grab the container full of his HRT supplies.

It took no time at all for him to rip open an alcohol wipe with his teeth after pulling down his boxer briefs to clean a patch of skin. He drew the liquid from the vial with the larger-gauged needle before swapping it for the thinner injection size. Though when he stabbed into the side of his gluteal muscle, Benrey had to push down the plunger because of how he needed to hold it steady. Gordon had tried doing shots in his thigh before, but he preferred the softer location of the more awkward dorsogluteal shots.

“Ya know, I think we oughta celebrate for Valentine’s Day” Benrey murmured as they sealed a bandage against the injection site. “Well yeah, it’s your 24th birthday” Gordon replied automatically, before realizing what they were implying. It turned his face red, and he knew they were smirking at him. “Wow, Gordumb Freeman can’t understand basic flirting? Channel 17 has more news on this at 11, stay tuned” They quipped, and he turned away indignantly. This action failed to prevent Benrey from schmoozing their way into his personal space, tilting his head towards them to give them a dazzling kiss that left his mouth agape and the corners of their lips stretched into a smug grin.

The next day, he was supposed to attend two of his graduate classes. That agenda was spoiled by the intense feeling of nausea in his stomach that woke him in the early hours of the morning. Drinking from the reusable water bottle by his bed, he tried to delay the inevitable. However, he eventually crouch-walked through the disorienting sensation to the bathroom. That had been a good decision, as he threw up into the toilet soon after. He was reminded of the gastric turmoil that chemo first caused him, but even that had never made him vomit. After rinsing his mouth out with some water and blowing his nose, he walked out the door right into Benrey. “Are you okay?” They asked quietly, their throat still heavy with sleep.

“I threw up...” Gordon answered with a sigh, and he walked right past them to go back to bed. While he was still awake, he pulled out his phone to send some quick emails to his professors about another day of absence.  _Just great_. Laying on his back and staring up at the posters of anime and video game fanart decorating his walls, he tried not to shiver from how cold his body suddenly felt. Benrey pressed their body up against his, and he snuggled as close as he could. They graced his back with the presence of their hand, practically floating up and down his spine with how delicate it was.

He woke up hours later, drenched in sweat, and his partner was nowhere to be seen. Desperate for a drink, he downed the rest of the water bottle on his bedside table. It didn’t sate his thirst, so he stumbled to the bathroom to get some more from the sink faucet. Leaving the coziness of his bedroom rendered him capable of detecting the smells wafting over from the kitchen, however. Turning his head, he saw Benrey looming over the stove, spoon in hand. Wandering over like a drunken concertgoer, Gordon heard them singing to themselves. The melody was foreign to him, but he was enraptured nonetheless. He wished they would sing for him more often.

A wave of nausea hit him, and he braced himself clumsily against the nearby counter, spilling a stack of spam letters onto the floor. “H-Hey, you should be in bed!” They exclaim, turning around and guiding him slowly towards the sofa. He doesn’t bother fighting it, and he lays down without a second thought. Benrey pressed the back of their hand to his forehead, and grimaced. “You definitely have a fever...” They murmur, before returning to the kitchen. His vision is spinning so he tries to focus on the silhouette of Joshua curled up in his bed. “We had leftover chicken breast so I figured I’d just, uh, make you some soup” He hears his partner say, their voice distorted as they set a bowl down on the coffee table.

“T-thanks” He mumbles, ignoring the ringing in his ears. Why did his voice sound like it was stuffed with cotton? It was alien. Nothing sounded right, not even the radiantly beautiful timber of Benrey’s voice. They were saying something to him that he couldn’t quite make out. He blinked hard, and their words slammed into his eardrums like a mallet. “Do.. do you want me to help you eat?” They asked hesitantly, their eyes filled with concern, and he blinked again. The muscle fibers underneath his face felt like they were unraveling, so he nodded instead. As they guided the spoon to his lips, he was disappointed that the broth had the flavor of water. He chewed on a chunk of chicken, and it was just as tasteless. Gordon knew Benrey was a decent cook, so it was definitely the illness coursing through his bloodstream that was responsible.

Illness. His bloodstream. Infection. Unhealthy cells. Cancer. An invisible hand clenched his stomach with a death grip, and he nearly fell off the couch in his race to the bathroom. He pushed through the door and staggered to the toilet, barely making it in time to puke up a transparent liquid. His esophagus felt raw like a sunburn, but it didn’t stop there. When he tried to rub something out of his eye, he discovered that he was crying. They were bubbling out of the corners of his warm eyelids. His breath was hitching in his throat, and his lungs soon became desperate for oxygen as a spasm rippled across the muscles in his chest. He was sick again. He was going to die. 

Someone yelled into the bathroom, and he soon felt arms ensnaring his trembling body. They were saying something over and over to him, but he couldn’t understand. But he did feel something thumping wildly against his ear, and he took solace in its rhythm. It steadied him for a few moments, and he was able to gulp down some precious air. “I... I’m sick again” Gordon muttered, the compulsion to speak his mind coming out of a place of pure fear. He needed to make sure he wouldn’t die with words unspoken. “I don’t wanna be sick again, I don’t wanna die”.

“You’re not going to die” The person cradling him replied, Benrey’s voice finally recognizable as it pierced through the distortion in his ears. “You.. you don’t know that. What.. what if it.. comes back?” He replied, his words spaced out between his ragged breathing as adrenaline set his nerves aflame. They didn’t have an answer for that. That possibility was going to hang over Gordon’s head for the rest of his life, however long that ended up being. It was suffocating. A sob rose in his throat. “It’s going to be okay” They eventually remarked, seemingly unaffected by how his hand grasped at the bottom of their gray turtleneck. A thought pushed it’s way to the front of the chaos in his mind. “Isn’t... isn’t today your birthday?” He asks timidly, that invisible hand making an appearance around his lungs this time. It was squeezing the little air residing in them clean out.

“I’m not worried about that right now, baby” They cooed, cupping a tender hand against his cheek. “I... I ruined your birthday” He sputtered, the words spilling from his mouth like vomit. “I ruined it. Cancer.. a-and this stupid sickness ruined me, but I had to go and ruin y-your fucking birthday too” He sobs, burying his face in their chest. A black hole ripped at his psyche, and he wanted to step into its event horizon. “I can’t f-fucking deal with this anymore, man. I’m so... so tired” Gordon choked, his emotions at DEFCON level 1 despite the heaviness sinking into his exhausted muscles. The prolonged oxygen deprivation was finally reaching his brain. He wanted to shutdown. He didn’t want to think anymore. Somebody make it stop.

“Like I said, it’s going to be okay. Do you know why?” They counter, long after Gordon had began feeling like noclipping into the floor like a video game character. He didn’t respond, but he was listening. “Because you have me to make you shitty soup, or to give you back rubs. To shove snow up your jacket when it’s snowing outside. To drive you crazy with my awful jokes. To write songs about you. To pulverize your ass at Super Monkey Ball Deluxe” Benrey declared, accentuating their words by trailing their fingers across his shoulders.

“I love you, Gordon Gabriel Freeman. And your perfect gamer initials, GG” They added more softly, and he laughed despite himself. “I love you too, Benrey” He murmured warmly, finally feeling able to breathe. After lying there for several long minutes, he tilted his head up to give them a kiss on the neck. They interrupted this movement to instead direct him to their lips, and this made his face light up with surprise. “That’s gross” He immediately stated as they separated, and Benrey just smirked. “I was born on Valentine’s Day, I can’t help it” They jeer, pulling him in for another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m pretty proud of this chapter, I love writing angsty stuff. If you’re into that sort of stuff, definitely check out my Fallout 4 series cause I made that shit just HEARTBREAKING at times lmao
> 
> I completely forgot to like, write a scene or two of Gordon getting chemo treatment so this is my way of making up for it lmao


	13. Something Human

Two weeks after his appointment with the prosthetic clinic, he got to meet his new right hand. It was almost like the real deal, if it weren’t for the fact that it wasn’t human-looking in the slightest and was painted a solid dark gray. It’s what he’d wanted though, so that wasn’t a complaint.  _I really feel like Edward Elric now_. Regardless, it was a good birthday present. “You feeling handy now?” Benrey joked as they left the building, The tunnel vision on his new limb was so bad that he nearly ate pavement. His partner thankfully had enough reflex to save him from that fate, yanking him up by the collar of his jacket like a kitten. 

“You’re a clumsy little boy, ain’tcha?” They cackled, and he brushed away their hand with a huff. It didn’t matter, because he entwined their fingers minutes later as they walked to his apartment. He could see streets already blocked off in preparation for the marathon tomorrow in the encroaching twilight. Gordon had been preparing for months for the event, but he knew the fatigue from chemo had put a dent in his stamina. Still, he was going to try his best. It wasn’t like he was aiming to be at the top of the scoreboard. He just wanted to get to the finish line.

“Is there, uh, anything that you’d wanna do for your birthday?” Benrey asks, and he‘s silent as he thinks about it. Apparently, he’s not fast enough for their liking. “ _ I’d like for you and I to go romancing. Say the word, your wish is my command _ ” His partner warbles, their singing startling him out of his contemplation. “ _ Ooh, love! Ooh, lover boy! _ ” They belt out, racing ahead of him to swing around the pole of a streetlight. It doesn’t matter that there’s a few pedestrians making their way past, they don’t care. “ _ What’re you doing tonight, hey boy? _ ” Benrey adds more flirtatiously, giving him a wink from their increased height on the structure. Gordon pulls up his scarf to try and hide his flushed cheeks, but it doesn’t work. 

They leap off the bottom of the lamp, and swiftly return to his stunned-speechless side without another word. The smug expression on their face made him sigh exasperatedly. “Do you always have to be so dramatic?” He asks, and they chuckle. “Yes,  especially when it’s so effective at melting you into an adorable puddle” They murmur, pressing their lips to his. The world stills for a few moments before he eventually remembers his idea for a birthday activity. “I.. I think I’d like to get some takeout and just watch some movies for my birthday” He mumbled, breathless as he tried to gently retrieve his prosthetic hand from behind their back. They grin, and the two of them continue down the street, hand in hand.

With their takeout of burgers and fries obtained, Gordon placed the bag on the coffee table before feeding Joshua his own dinner for the night. He hoped it would distract him from wanting to mooch off their food, but that wasn’t a guarantee. Glancing at his prosthetic, he didn’t want food grease all over the grips on the hand. “I’m gonna go take off my hand, be right back” He called out behind him as he made his way to the bedroom. It thankfully wasn’t too hard to undo the clamps and straps securing it to his elbow, and neither were the nerve sensors, but it was still a process when he had only one hand. He removed the already sweaty compression sock and threw it into his laundry basket to be cleaned later.

When he tried to return to the living room, he found that the lights were all turned off. “Benrey?” He called out, hardly able to see. After hearing the unmistakable flick of a lighter, a dozen candles gradually became lit. “ _ Happy birthday to you _ ” His partner sang, their face now illuminated by the small flames as they drew closer to him. His face scrunched up into an incredulous smile as they continued the short melody, but being called “Feetman” made him snort with laughter. He paused, deliberating for a brief second, watching how the soft candlelight made the white frosting glow.

Gordon blew them out with a quick puff of air, and he received a swift kiss on the mouth. “I got you your favorite, red velvet” They murmured, and he gasped at the thought of sinking his teeth into the delicious dessert later on. “Thank you” He replied sweetly, taking the round cake from their hands and placing it on the table. “Now let’s eat our gourmet meal before it gets cold” He adds with a chuckle, turning on a nearby lamp and sitting down on the couch to pull his McDonald’s meal out. Benrey had gotten a ridiculous amount of chicken nuggets, but they refused to share. 

“Hey, it’s my birthday! If I give you some fries, can I have a nug?” Gordon asked, blinking his eyes slowly and persuasively. They groaned. “One. Ein. Un. Uno” His partner emphasized repeatedly with squinted eyes, and he couldn’t help but laugh at the seriousness on their face as they ceremoniously bestowed a piece of chicken meat onto his open palm. They received their payment of a handful of fries, and to his surprise, they went so far as to lick the salt off his fingers. He gave them a pointed look, and Benrey cackled with the ferocity of thunder. “Don’t be like that, Feetman, you know you love me~” They caroled, and a smile cracked his lips despite himself. 

They smirked with victory, and went back to munching on their chicken nuggets. He finished his burger, and used the supplied fork to take a bite of cake. “Whamt you wanna wamtch?” Gordon asked purposefully with a mouthful of cake, and Benrey shook their head. “And you call  me gross” They respond with a playful roll of their eyes. He swallows and sticks his tongue out. “It was a trick question. We’re going to watch  _ Sharkboy and Lavagirl _ ” He declared, turning on the TV and selecting the Netflix app. “I think I’ve heard of that one.. never seen it before though” They replied, and he smiled with anticipation. “I think you’ll enjoy it”.

The only thing that could have made watching this movie better was alcohol, but he didn’t want to be hungover during the race. They had snuggled up on the couch, with Benrey lying against his chest. They were laughing every other minute at the absurd dialogue, and he enjoyed every millisecond of that sound. But when Lavagirl had to sleepwalk across the icy bridge, they mumbled something under their breath. “Hm?” He asked, not quite catching it. “Uh, it was nothing. Forget about it” They replied, waving him off. “The birthday boy commands you to tell him!” Gordon insisted in a dramatic tone, but to his surprise, Benrey seemed nervous. “I uh, said that I wish I could look like her...” They reply, and his face softens.

“Well, you could always grow your hair out” He suggests, and they shake their head. “Not just that.. or well,  more than that” They elaborate, their hands fidgeting in their lap.  _ What was making them this nervous? _ “You can tell me anything, you know that right?” He clarifies, and they glance at him with a terrified look. Their heart was beating wildly in their chest. “I, um, didn’t want to tell you while you had the whole.. chemo stuff going on but.....” Benrey continues, and Gordon’s interest has rooted itself firmly in his partner’s shaky words as he pauses the TV. “I think I’m trans feminine? I.. I still like using they/them pronouns, but the thought of starting E sounds really nice...” They state, their words trailing off as they stare at the floor. He can suddenly feel that they’re actually  _ shaking _ . “And.. instead of using Benrey, maybe just... B?”.

He wraps his arms around them tightly, pulling them closer against his chest. “I’m proud of you for telling me. And I want you to know that I still love you, no matter what” Gordon affirmed gently, and he watched as they flipped around to bury their face into his shirt. He heard their breath catch in their throat, and he softly rubbed the pad of his thumb against the buzzed hair on their neck. Even after B had stopped crying, they laid there like that for a while. 

“I think you’ll be even more beautiful than you already are if you start E” He muses aloud, and they chuckle. “I don’t know about that” They respond, wiping their face of tears as they stare up at him. “If the birthday boy declares it, then it is law” Gordon counters, giving them a gentle peck on the forehead. “Well, the birthday boy shouldn’t be giving such weak kisses” They jeered, and he was happy to prove them wrong.

He knew there were a lot of participants in this annual marathon, but it was completely different being  _ surrounded _ by said people. If he didn’t have Chell and Sam by his side, he would have been entirely overwhelmed. Having his jogging-friendly earbuds helped as well; their design securely wrapped around his ears to prevent them from falling out. “Nervous?” His friend asks, her leg pulled up in a stretch. “A little, but mostly excited” He replies, deepening his lunge. They weren’t one of the first waves, so they were starting a little after 9am rather than directly on the hour. It gave them time to warm up, at least. The air was still chilly as the sun continued to rise, and he knew he’d eventually be shedding his lightweight jacket as the day dragged on.

When they finally announced that it was time for their group to leave the starting line, the three of them were ready. He selected his music playlist of synthwave, and then they were off. It didn’t feel too different from his regular jogging sessions, with the only difference being the scenery. The first four miles gave him views of the beautiful open fields in Hopkinton and Ashland. When they reached Framingham, the grassy landscapes became more and more dotted with urban jungle. Every so often, he would shoot a glance at his two friends. They’d exchange a look and a thumbs up to check on their stamina. They wanted to keep a 10 minute pace for as long as they were able. At that rate, it would only take them an estimated 4 and a half hours to complete the marathon.

They were eventually greeted by the sight of Lake Cochichuate, letting them know they had reached Natick. The bubbly instrumentals of  _ Palms _ by Quixotic playing through his earbuds suited the moment as he enjoyed how the water shone in the morning light. The crowds of Natick Center roared with encouragement as they traveled through, and he made sure to gulp down as much water as he could while on the flat terrain. He didn’t want to become too dehydrated. Rubbing his forehead with his right arm, he was definitely glad he didn’t wear his prosthesis. The delicate device would have been too much of a liability in such a grueling activity, especially when he had literally just gotten it. Besides, his stump and shirt were proof enough for onlookers.

Chell and Gordon were wearing matching yellow shirts with black lettering on the front declaring them “cancer survivors”. It was the color for sarcoma awareness, not that many people would understand that. It was strange to think about how wildly different his life had been only a year ago. Physically, emotionally, socially. He’d had very few friends in his college experience up until last semester, and now he was hanging out every week with them. He was even dating someone for the first time since his sophomore year of undergrad. His pondering was cut short as he noticed the crowd up ahead. The  extremely _noisy_ crowd. The Carpenter Brut remix of  _ Tech Noir _ by GUNSHIP wasn’t loud enough to block out their piercing shrieks.  _ I think this is the ‘Scream Tunnel’ that Chell mentioned . _

The cacophony of cheering and yelling from the Wellesley college students was hard to miss. The women were lined up along the barricades with handmade posters and cowbells as they gave their verbal support to the runners. Chell had actually met her girlfriend here. When she was running the marathon two years ago, Sam was standing along the road voicing her support like her peers. Chell stopped running when she saw her, so she knew that she needed to get her number if someone that beautiful made her stop in her tracks during a  marathon.  He waved his stump to the spectators as a way of appreciating their morale boost, knowing that this was only the halfway mark.

When they eventually reached Newton, the Route 128 overpass was equally as loud, but for an entirely different reason. The traffic from the roads below honked frequently with encouragement as they were spotted by drivers, and he could hardly hear Pilotpriest’s  _ Archive Seven _ over the din. He resisted against changing the music to something more audible, because he wantedmusic that wouldn’t alter his pace by making him speed up preemptively. He was saving the “pump up” music for the last few miles. Firehouse Hill, the first of four hills, came into view, and that’s when his calves truly began to burn with exhaustion.  _You have less than 10 miles to go, c’mon!_

Chell was struggling more than he was though, so he eased their pace so that she wouldn’t overexert herself. When they crested the hill, they resumed their 10 minute pace once again. The spectators on the sidelines began to increase in size, which was an invigorating taste of motivation. After the two next hills, it made Gordon never want to jog on an incline for the rest of his life. The last of the quadruplets, Heartbreak Hill, felt like it lasted forever. It made his leg muscles want to cry in agony. But with one mind-reading glare from Chell, he pushed through it. The streets of Boston began to blur together in his head as they continued on, but when they passed Fenway Park, where baseball spectators had poured out of the stadium to cheer on the runners, he held his head up high as he searched the crowds. 

They reached Back Bay around mile 25, and he saw who he was looking for. Darnold, Tommy, and B were gathered behind a barricade in folding chairs, with Sunkist and Joshua sitting on the ground nearby. Tommy spotted the three of them first, calling out their names with a yell. They all sprung to their feet, and Gordon maneuvered close enough so he could snag a quick kiss from his partner. “You’re almost there, Feetman!” They yelled, the short break in pace like instant heroin to his muscles. “Let’s go, lesbians!” He exclaimed to the couple ahead of him, increasing his speed like a lunatic. He spent the last mile of the race nearly running to prevent his desire to collapse, and he was eager to see that the clock at the finish line read as “4:20:27” when he crossed.

“We... we did it!” He wheezed, pulling the duo into a hug as they moved towards the sidelines out of everyone’s way. “God, we stink” Chell remarked, waving a hand past her nose playfully. This sparked a fit of hysterical laughter between the three of them, making their way towards Back Bay at a snail’s pace. When they reached the spot where the rest of their group were, they nearly collapsed into the folding chairs that were soon offered up. A chilled towel was placed around his neck as he drank some Powerade while Joshua investigated the sweat and dirt all over his legs. 

“Your ass is gonna be  so sore tomorrow, and for once, it won’t be because of me” B muttered in his ear, and he snorted. “Oh my god, I _just_ ran 26 miles, don’t fucking test me right now” Gordon grumbled, passionately pressing his lips to theirs in an attempt to placate them. It worked long enough for him to down a Subway turkey sandwich and some chips in relative peace. Chell looked like she was going to fall asleep in her chair, with Sam not far behind, so they decided to go back to Tommy’s apartment to clean up and rest. The warm shower water felt divine against his sore muscles, and he ingested some Tylenol before settling down in B’s bed for a well-deserved nap. “I told the others about my new name” They murmured in his ear as they teased their fingers through his shaggy hair. He’d worn a headband earlier to keep it off of his face, but now it was lying annoyingly against his forehead once more. Gordon missed his ponytail, but all he could do was a tiny rat’s tail if he was really ambitious.

“That’s good. I bet Sam was glad to have another trans femme in the group” He replied, and he heard them acknowledge this with a hum. “Maybe tomorrow, if I’m not too sore, we can go clothes shopping” Gordon added, and there was the sound of a gasp. “Really? You mean it?” They whispered excitedly, and he chuckled. “I haven’t shopped in the women’s section in a long time, but I know enough to help you out with sizing and all that” He continued, and B pressed their lips eagerly to his. “Thank you” They grinned, and he returned the gesture. “No, thank _you_ ”. The confusion was tangible across their face. “What for?” They asked with a raised eyebrow. “Thank you for inviting me to play Super Monkey Ball Deluxe with you, of course” Gordon answered, and B’s mouth formed a giddy smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trans femme Benrey, trans femme Benrey!
> 
> I follow a nonbinary/trans femme musician on tiktok who I’ve sorta based this version of Benrey off of, check em out https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJmgnTtu/


	14. Falling Away With You

Gordon could hardly believe he was graduating in a few weeks, let alone the fact that he was nearly ready to present and defend his doctoral thesis,  _ The Observation of Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen Entanglement on Supraquantum Structures by Induction Through Nonlinear Transuranic Crystal of Extremely Long Wavelength (ELW) Pulse from Mode-Locked Source Array_. The name was just as intensive as the research itself had been, and he was happy to be able to focus on just setting up a simple Powerpoint presentation for his findings. Chell had completed her master’s in mechanical engineering two years ago, and was quite proud of her new position under the prestigious Aperture Science Laboratories based in Upper Michigan.

Tommy was currently on a paleontology expedition in Argentina after achieving their doctorate the year prior, while Darnold had been recently employed by a company working on championing environment-friendly plastics across the food and drink industries. He was the last of the group working on his degree, and it felt like the past four years of effort on his research was giving him gray hairs. Tomorrow, he would set forth in front of a committee the culmination of his entire collegiate career. He tried not to think about how his stomach churned with nausea.  _At least B’s concert is tomorrow night_.  Black Mesa had been signed to the lucrative music label, Radio TV, just shy of a year after his amputation. They had recorded their first album,  _ Welcome to Black Mesa_, almost immediately. 

Two songs off that initial EP quickly rocketed to the top of streaming services and radio channels;  _ Sweet Voice _ and  _ Bury Your Dog _ were instant smash hits. They headlined for a few larger music acts before finally earning their very own tour within the past few months, coinciding with the release of their second album,  _ Frigid Falsehood_. Right now, as he put the finishing touches on his presentations, the sultry vocals of  _ Passport to Hell _ sent shivers across his skin as he imagined his partner singing right beside him. “ _You’ve got me under your spell, begging for a one-way ticket, a one-use passport to hell_ ” They sung, the distortion of the guitar punctuating each note of their voice. Soon, he’d be able to hear B sing live, and the anticipation was killing him.

The committee had been discussing his dissertation defense for ten long minutes, and the nerves were getting to him more now than they were before he had first entered the building. When the wooden door of the conference room opened, Dr. Kleiner beckoned him inside with a plain face. He had no idea what to expect when he walked in after them. They took a stance in the center of the room, with the rest of the committee standing behind him. His throat felt like sandpaper as he swallowed. 

“Hello, Dr. Freeman” Kleiner stated simply, holding out their hand, and he felt tears spring to life in his eyes as the gravity of their words sunk in. “Congratulations, Dr. Freeman!” Coomer applauded, grinning from ear to ear. Dr. Masters stood to his right, and even they had something resembling a look of pride on their face. It took every ounce of strength in his body not to breakdown sobbing on the floor with delight, that his years of work had been deemed worthy. The best he could manage was a wavering “thank you” as he eagerly completed the handshake with his prosthesis.

“And before you go celebrate.. we have something we’d like for you to consider” Dr. Vance surprisingly continues, and he stops sniffling long enough to steel his attention. “I’m sure you’re aware that Dr. Vance will be retiring soon. As a result, there will be a vacancy in the theoretical physics department that will need filling. Based on the surveys of your former students, you’ve been teaching highly popular undergraduate classes for several years now, so the opportunity seems too perfect to miss” They informed him, and fireworks ricocheted around the inside of his skull.  _Oh my god_. “How would you feel about teaching at your soon-to-be alma mater? If you don’t have anything lined up already, of course” Dr. Vance concluded, and Gordon thought that firetrucks would be needed to put out the fire currently engulfing his brain.

“Teaching wasn’t something I had ever anticipated in my future, but it’s grown on me quite a bit during my time at MIT. I would love to accept the position, if you’re truly certain about having me” He replied, frantically telling his braincells to put out the flames as he code-switched into an appropriate tone for such an occasion. The man smiled, and said something about sending him a formal offer closer to his graduation. He left the conference room in such a haze that he didn’t check his phone until he was halfway across campus. As he selected the group chat in his message list to share the exciting news, B’s phone number popped up on the screen.

“This is Dr. Freeman, how can I assist you?” Gordon says after accepting the call, and a gasp at the force of a Category 5 hurricane blows out the speaker. “Holy shit, GG! I’m so proud of you!” They shriek, and he grins as he hears B yell excitedly away from the microphone that “Feetman got his PhD!”. A person that sounds like Forzen responds with a “B, don’t stress out your voice”, and his partner returns to the phone. “Did y’all just touch down at Logan?” He asks, still smiling from their reaction. “Yup, we’re on our way to the hotel for a good ol’ nap before the sound check at 8” They reply, and he chuckles as they let out a timely yawn. “My Cheshire cat definitely needs their catnap” He teases, and he can hear them roll their eyes at the nickname.

“Anyway, I’ll see you at the show tonight, babe” B continues, and the two of them end the call with an exchange of I love you’s. Gordon was finally able to send a text to the groupchat, and as he expected, there was no immediate response.  _I bet Tommy’s got the shittiest reception where they’re at right now, and the other two are definitely at work_. A sharp pang of loneliness struck his heart, thinking about how his friends and partner had been displaced all over the world while his alma mater had now become his future place of employment. He had just turned 27, but he felt so much older than he actually was. Six years of hard work made him want to collapse into temporal stasis for a long dreamless sleep rather than think about his future. But he shoved all this aside, and began deliberating on what he would wear for the concert later that day.

The South Station train platform to Mansfield was bustling with commuter activity when he reached it, despite knowingly leaving early, but he didn’t mind standing so he could let some minimum-wage workers rest their exhausted feet. It made his mind drift to his mother, who worked in retail for the majority of his childhood before finding a less-physically taxing job as an HR employee. Thinking of his parents threatened to ruin his good mood, so he popped in his earbuds and pressed play on Black Mesa’s new album.

The song begins quietly, with the sound of sampled radio channels and static. It eventually blends into a heavy baseline, and B’s vocals come shining through not much later. “ _The_ _stars shine bright tonight, but it’s not like you would know. Darkness blankets the world like snow. Your cars’ headlights only shine so far. Soon, you can’t tell where you are”_ They sing hauntingly, drawing out the notes at seemingly random intervals. “ _Ooh_ _, you turn on the radio, hoping to chase some answers; all you hear is an ad about penis enhancers. Just when you’re about to give up on a distraction, you find yourself feeling some strange attraction _ ” They continue, the baseline growing more frantic. “ _Turning the dial with new invigoration, you find yourself lost in the sensation of.. Channel 17” _B belts out, their words reaching a crescendo as the guitar kicks in.

The drums, previously relegated to keeping a steady beat, have jumped to the forefront to join in with the frenzied guitar and bass chords. “ _Channel 17! You find yourself lost in the obscene. Oh, you’re feeling quite serene, under the spell of.. Channel 17! Ooh, Channel 17_ ” They continue, the chorus becoming a beautiful storm of loud instrumentals and falsetto vocals. Gordon’s completely under his partner’s spell, knowing that their recorded music is nothing like the real deal. He smiles to himself.  _ Why’d I have to date a freaking siren?  _ When he reached his stop, he had finished his millionth listen to their entire discography. He removed his earbuds as he made the three mile walk to the venue, enjoying the rays of late spring sunlight on his skin. 

Fishing the VIP pass out of his pocket, he hung the lanyard around his neck. Gordon felt nervous skipping the line, but he was technically allowed to with such a venue permission. He flashed it to the ticket taker, who gave it a thorough look-over before letting him through. The concert was going to be huge tonight, with upwards of 15,000 people in attendance. Blue Shift was actually one of their opening acts, with the second being a band he didn’t know called Black Velvet Rabbits. The first group would be up soon, so he wanted to make his way to his box seat before it became too crowded. He had it all to himself, which felt weird considering that the general admission seating around him was becoming more and more full. It reminded him yet again that his friends couldn’t make it, and they still hadn’t responded to his text from earlier.

He was just about to begin wallowing in self-pity when he heard a familiar voice call out his name. Looking up, he couldn’t believe his eyes. Tommy, Darnold, Sam, and Chell were making their way across the amphitheater, their faces lit up with similar expressions of excitement. “Oh my god, I didn’t know you guys would be here!” He cried out, pulling the first person he could get his hands on into a hug. The lucky first recipient happened to be Chell, who squeezed him back with as much gusto as he did. Sam joined in soon after, her hug not as tight. On the contrary, Darnold and Tommy double teamed him, but he had an arm for each of them. “Sorry we didn’t text you back! We wanted to congratulate you in person” Tommy exclaimed, giving one of their signature smiles. “It took you long enough, Dr. Elric” Chell teased, giving him a punch to the shoulder.

He felt like crying for the second time today. And despite his best efforts, Gordon’s eyes teared up when he gazed upon the friends he hadn’t seen together in over a year. They all settled into their seats, catching up on their various latest activities before the first band was to play. Chell was helping design physical testing experiments for Aperture’s AI project, and she talked at length about how the machine would frequently berate the employees. “They tried to socialize her to be nice, but she got really interested in morbid humor and now everyone’s worried she’s gonna try to kill us” She joked, and he laughed at the thought of something like IBM’s Watson being so belligerent. There was the sound of a guitar from the stage however, cutting short the conversation about Tommy searching for fossilized remains of prehistoric canids.

Their placement in the center-front of the venue allowed for extremely desirable acoustics. The full force of the instruments and vocals of Blue Shift radiated towards them, and Gordon made sure to insert the earplugs he brought. He had slightly regretted not taking them for that first concert he had attended, remembering how overloaded his hearing had become, but he came prepared for every subsequent event. When Black Velvet Rabbits took the stage a little while later, their heavy metal guitar solidified how good his decision had been. Chell was throughly enjoying the full-frontal auditory onslaught, however, as her deafness had increased her affinity for intense music over the years. The intermission before the main event gave him some time to mentally decompress with the cheap appetizers from the food stands. 

“With this being the last stop on their tour, it oughta be a _big_ one” Tommy commented vaguely as they sipped from a large fountain drink container. “Yeah, I wonder if Black Mesa’ll do anything special. They’ll want to end on a high note” Gordon remarked, and his friend suddenly started violently coughing. “Oh god, are you alright?” He asked, everyone peering at them in concern. “Y-yeah, it just... went down the wrong way” They replied hoarsely, continuing to hack up the liquid from their trachea for a few more moments.

When the lights soon dimmed, the amphitheater began buzzing with excitement. It was packed to the brim, with even more people camped out on the lawn behind the pavilion. The tension in the air could be cut with a knife, and the feverish energy only increased as the band shuffled onto the stage in the near darkness. As Jeffrem began the baseline of  _ Bury Your Dog,_ the audience went hog wild as the onstage lighting flashed to life with the introduction of the drums. That’s when the audience finally got their first glimpse of B, and Gordon felt his jaw drop. A black asymmetrical knee-length dress hung off their tall frame, and they absolutely rocked it. They traipsed around the stage in their platform boots in time with the beat for a few moments before it was their turn to finally shine. “ _There’s only so much I can break, before the anger starts to overtake_ ” They intone, the timber of their voice smooth and rich like butter. Their fingerless gloved hands gripped the microphone like a vice, and he longed to feel them around his own.

“ _My_ _knuckles long to connect with flesh, there’s no way that I can just ‘start afresh’. A contemptuous grin seals their fate, I don’t care if they say ‘don’t fight hate with hate’”_ B continues, their face curling into a sneer as their pitch begins to vary for emphasis. A loud guitar riff from Josh announces the arrival of the chorus. “ _Bury_ _your dog, you damn demagogue! I’ll rip out that tongue with my bare hands, if you ask one more time, ‘How can you be trans?’_ ” They practically yell, pouring their entire soul into these lyrics. “ _I’m_ _tired of the questions, of the constant oppression! Hey, I’ve got a confession: You’re not going to last when I’m here to put you on blast!”_ B shouts, the drums emphasizing each beat, and the audience members chant along with the snappy alliteration.

The dull roar of the crowd and the thumping of the bass rattled his ribs like jail bars, but it was B’s voice that truly affected him. It was like a dagger straight to the heart, and he got stuck in the sound as they performed their siren melody. The two of them had accomplished their dreams, and he couldn’t be happier. Over the next hour, Black Mesa played through a variety of their discography: the blood pumping  _ Irate_, the operatic  _ Space Cowboys_, the metallic nature of  _ Resonance Cascade  _ and _ Heavenly Sword_, the somber guitar of  _ Homer’s Odyssey_, and the jovial romance of  _ Acoustic Unicycle _ were some of the standouts. Before the band’s last song of the night, B stood behind their microphone, teasing through the hair that now reached their ribs. They still had an undercut though, and their piercings shone brightly under the lighting.

“This final song goes out to a very special someone in the audience tonight... I don’t need to remind him who he is” They state, and he finds himself letting out a loud whistle. “See? My boyfriend’s one smart cookie” B responds, and a laugh ripples across the venue. “He actually just got his PhD today, so can we get a round of applause for Dr. Gordon Freeman?” They continue, and he feels his entire body blush with embarrassment as thousands of people cheer their congratulations. His friends all clap obnoxiously, with Chell throwing in her own whistling for good measure. B chuckles on stage, and they take a seat on the piano bench behind them. With deft fingers, they strike the opening chords of  _ Sweet Voice _ with a radiant grace.

The song sounded completely different in such a large acoustic setting, especially because their voice was the only other instrument besides the piano, and he was falling in love with it all over again. And when the bridge of the song appeared, he wasn’t the only one caught off guard by the change in lyrics. “ _But to my surprise, you and I didn’t have to say goodbye. It was all worth the effort, cactus flowers bloomed across the desert”_ They warbled, and he sunk into a trance from the falsetto notes. “ _Now that you’re here to stay, my emotions won’t ever sway ”.  _ The chorus returned, and it too was different from before _. “ I’d scare away your worries with my.. sweet voice. And when good things finally come your way, I’ll rejoice”_ B rendered, their voice sinking into a pitch that made Gordon’s knees weak. “ _I’m sorry for clinging to you so tightly. But you ended up staying, your smile shining so brightly”._

As the piano notes slowed, so did their singing. “ _And I won’t mind the feeling, I won’t mind the feeling, I won’t mind the feeling... _ ” They murmured, but instead of the stage cutting to black, he braced his eyes against a spotlight suddenly illuminating their box. “Oh, lover boy! Come join me on stage” They called in a melodic cadence, and he would have frozen like a deer in the headlights if not for Tommy kicking his shin underneath their table. Rising to his feet, doing his best to ignore the hundreds of eyes on his every movement, he walked towards his partner. The venue staff made a path through the pit for him, and there was already a stepladder ready for him to climb onto the elevated platform. They lended him their hand as they hoisted him up the rest of the way, and he tried to ignore the blush creeping across his face at being so close to them in front of so many people.

“Did you enjoy the new spin on your song?” They murmured, their blue eyes boring into him like diamond tipped drills. He nodded, still speechless from what was happening. With a tap of the device nestled in their ear, the microphone input switched. “Gordon, you’ve been my muse for three wonderful years. I don’t know where I’d be right now without you, and that place definitely wouldn’t be on a stage in front of thousands of people” B says, that last bit causing him to smile. “After your bout with cancer, I told myself that from then on, I would appreciate every moment we spent together. Nothing would be taken for granted. And being on tour these past few months got me thinking..” They continue, stepping down onto one knee. The screams of the crowd are the same volume as the blood pounding through his skull. Gordon knew this moment would happen someday, but he hadn’t expected it quite like this.  _ I should have known better than to expect anything less from B.  _

“Dr. Gordon Gabriel Freeman, would you make me the happiest gamer on the planet and Press Y to Say Yes?” B asks, and he’s too shocked to swat them over the head. The velvet box they held up to him contained a glistening gray ring with an emerald set inside. He nods wholeheartedly, launching himself against their chest, and eventually gives them a long kiss on the lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BVR is from this fanfic AU where Gordon was in a band! I thought it’d be a fun reference, especially since I’m enjoying that fic a bunch right now https://archiveofourown.org/works/26157634/chapters/63644068


	15. Resistance

The next several weeks were a whirlwind of stressful planning. While B wouldn’t be going on tour again for another year or so, Gordon began teaching full-time that fall, so the wedding would either have to be within the next few months or sometime next year. With the two of them being incredibly impatient people, a July weekend was settled upon for the date. The number of guests was just shy of 20 individuals, so it wasn’t too difficult to find a suitable location. And that location? The arcade-restaurant hybrid, Chuck E. Cheese. The novelty of the idea was part of the draw, and it also wasn’t too difficult to rent out one due to the impending closures of several nearby franchises.

But in between the decoration planning and the attire choosing, Gordon was mainly just enjoying having his partner back home. “Did you find a dress?” He asks as B enters the apartment, shrugging off their raincoat to hang on the wall. “Oh, you bet your feet I did. You’ll love it” They reply, pulling their undercut out of a ponytail. After kicking off their boots, they sink onto the couch beside him with a dramatic flop. He wraps his arms around them without a second thought, and they let out a delighted hum as they snuggle up against his chest. “How does it feel to finally be done with college?” They murmur as he teases his good hand through the waves of their hair. 

He lets go of a heavy sigh. “It’s strange, but also relaxing to know I’ll never have to do homework from Dr. Masters ever again” Gordon replies, and they chuckle. “Yeah, but now you’ll have to deal with being his coworker” B quips, and he dramatically shudders at the thought. “I don’t want him setting my office on fire if I fuck something up” He groans, and B snorts. “You and Tommy did always say that it looked like he could uh, light fires with his mind”.

“But disregarding him, I think you’re gonna be a great professor. A big nerd like you fits perfectly there” They continue, and he rolls his eyes. “Do you see yourself being a rockstar till you’re old and wrinkly like a raisin?” Gordon muses, and now it’s their turn to scoff. “Duh! For as long as these throat pipes will keep working” B retorts, turning themselves around to press their chests together. “I gotta keep you under my spell somehow~” They add flirtatiously, fluttering their eyelashes. Before he can reply, they press their lips to his for a quick peck. “And even if I, uh, did wanna quit, I’d probably love being a producer or something”.

Gordon smiles as a mental image springs to mind. “Is Dr. Feetman gonna share with the class what’s so funny?” B quips, eyeing his new expression curiously. “It’s just.. we really are an unlikely duo, huh? An MIT professor and a rockstar, two completely different worlds that met by complete happenstance” He replies, giving them another kiss.

“Are you ready?” Tommy asks as they stick their head into the impromptu dressing room they’d created behind the main stage. “Mmhm, how do I look?” Gordon asks, turning away from the mirror while straightening his bowtie. “Like a cold can of Fanta on a hot summer day!” They reply jovially, giving him a thumbs up. When he finally walked onto the visible part of the stage, he was able to take in how truly absurd this all was. They had changed the regular birthday decorations for wedding table settings and flowers, with the color scheme being pastel orange and blue. There were only three people in the audience: B’s parents and Tommy’s father. Darnold was our officiator, standing off towards the side as they reread their lines.

Tommy was in the position of best man, though the title had been changed to “VIP friend” to be more gender neutral. The other bandmates of Black Mesa comprised the rest of the groomsmen. Sam, Chell, Gordon’s sister, and B’s older sister were the bridesmaids. The latter wasn’t here yet, and neither was B’s mother; the two of them were currently helping drive his partner to the venue from getting ready. The joyful anticipation was coursing through his body like plasma, and he tried his best not to fidget as the party waited for B’s arrival.

But when they did, Gordon felt his soul leave his body. They were in a simple ballgown style dress, but the color was black rather than white. Their hair was pinned into a picturesque bun with several strands rebelling out of place regardless, and they gave him a crooked smile at his flabbergasted expression. They walked down the comically short aisle, the sounds of arcade machines acting as the organ music. When they found their way across from him, they stared down at him with a contemplative look. B reached across the gap with painted black nails to curl a stray hair around his ear. “You look amazing” Gordon said, enjoying the way their cheeks burned at that. “I could say the same to you, lover boy” They counter sweetly, their eyes dazzling beneath mascaraed eyelashes.

Darnold said a few lines before the two of them were allowed to state their vows. “B, you’ve been the light of my life ever since you pushed my buttons at that party all those years ago. I was practically a hermit for my entire life before I met you and the others.. you helped pull me out of my shell” Gordon states, continuing to be enchanted by how beautiful they look. “I never thought I’d meet the right person for me, but you turned out to be that and then some. Now that I’ll have you by my side for decades to come? It still blows this little nerd’s mind” He continues, loving the smirk stretching across the face at his self deprecation. “I love you, B” He concludes, letting them take the stage.

“My depression was, uh, at an all time low in the weeks before I met you. I was getting so desperate to feel something,  anything . I almost started smoking weed again to try and suppress the suicidality” They start off, but the vulnerable content of their words doesn’t surprise him. “But a dork in shining converse comes walking in, despite me subsequently sweeping the floor with him at Super Monkey Ball Deluxe” B continues, giving another smirk. “I decided to take a chance with that song I wrote about you, and uh, that was definitely the best decision I’d ever made in my life. Every day with you has been... so perfect. I love you, Gordon” They finish, and he feels tears welling up in his eyes.

Darnold didn’t have to tell the two of them anything; they were already engaged in a time-stopping kiss. A camera flash went off, there was the sound of applause and cheering, but the world was still relatively quiet as he got lost in the moment. “Are you ready for me to kick your ass in some video games?” B suddenly whispers in his ear, as he’s placing the wedding bands on their fingers, and he snorts. “You’re on” Gordon murmurs in reply, and the two of them walk down the aisle together, hand in hand.

Pizza had never tasted so good in his entire life, especially cheap pizza from a slowly dying franchise. As the guests snacked on such an exquisite meal after over an hour of arcade machine playing, Tommy stood up from their spot at the table and clinked a fork against their champagne glass. “It’s uh, time for me give an important speech for the h-happy couple!” They announce, catching everyone’s attention. When the dining area becomes quiet, they give an excited smile.

“I’ve known B since we were in middle school, and I’ll never forget the day that we met” They begin, and I see my partner stiffen out of the corner of my eye. “It was a school field trip to a historical site several hours away, and everyone on the bus had brought things to keep them distracted during the ride there” Tommy continues, and B shrinks into themselves. “I sat right behind them on the bus, and I was playing with my Beyblade by sending it back and forth to a friend underneath the seats. It would go past B’s feet every time, and eventually, they got annoyed of having to move out of the way. So, they stomped it to smithereens” They explain with a grin, and B groans as the wedding guests laugh. “I said I was sorry!” They cry out, and everyone only laughs harder.

Before the two of them had the traditional “first dance”, B went off to use the restroom with the assistance of their sister due to the cumbersome nature of their dress. As he helped push the tables out of the way to make a dance-floor, B’s parents came up to him. “We noticed that your parents never came..” Their mother, Katherine, states awkwardly, gazing at him with sympathy. “Oh, it’s fine! I never invited them in the first place” Gordon responds sheepishly, and her face becomes even more pitiful. “Well, just know that if you ever need anything, you’ve got me and Vincent!” She responds, pulling him into a hug that catches him off guard. But he accepts it, basking in it for a moment.

When B returns, the first song choice surprises him as they join hands: it wasn’t  Bohemian Rhapsody or even  Sweet Voice . The consistent strum of an electric guitar began the unknown song, soon joined by an upbeat piano melody. “ _ Far away, this ship has taken me far away. Far away from the memories, of the people who care if I live or die _ ” A masculine voice warbles, not unlike the tone of B’s singing voice. “ _ Starlight, I will be chasing a starlight, until the end of my life! I don’t know if it’s worth it anymore... _ ” The musician continues, the two of them swaying gently from side to side. As he gazes deeply into their eyes, the vocals reach a peak: “ _ Hold you in my arms, I just wanted to hold you in my arms! _ ”.

The look of love Gordon gives them is mirrored in their eyes. “ _ My life, you electrify my life. Let's conspire to ignite, all the souls that would die just to feel alive _ ” He sings, and the music swells. “ _ I'll never let you go! If you promise not to fade away, never fade away! _ ” The guitar becomes more prominent, and the piano fades away as the song isolates on just the aforementioned instrument. “ _ Our hopes and expectations, black holes and revelations. Our hopes and expectations, black holes and revelations _ ” They lull softly, as the two of them press their foreheads together.

When the chorus returns, it feels like a lifetime has passed. “ _ Hold you in my arms, I just wanted to hold you in my arms _ ” The man belts out, and Gordon does just that, with no intention of ever letting 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: *names the chapter after my fav Muse ‘love song’*  
> also me: *doesn’t include it in the chapter*
> 
> as an fyi, I now plan to write the honeymoon chapter cause Why Not
> 
> also! I’m gonna record B’s songs! I wanna do Sweet Voice, Bury Your Dog, Channel 17, and MAYBE Passport to Hell, I’ll tell y’all about it when I finish em


	16. Sunburn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished this today because I needed a distraction from *gestures at everything*

“What are you doing?” Gordon asks, watching as his partner runs ahead to get into a stance. B promptly shushes him. “Quiet, I’m about to, uh, try communicating with my fellow merpeople...” They murmur, soon letting loose a loud shriek across the water. And when the waves lap at their feet, now that B had gotten close enough, they let out an impromptu yelp of surprise. He laughs, his feet sinking into the damp sand as he walks towards them. “Maybe they’d hear you better if you actually got out there” He remarks, and their face scrunches up with displeasure. “C’mon, I’ll be right next to you the entire time” Gordon adds persuasively, grasping their hand in his.

“Fine. But if the sharks get me, we’re getting divorced” They respond dryly, and he chuckles at the harsh consequence. “Nah, you’re much too skinny. They’ll go after me instead” He counters, gesturing to his gut and wide thighs. “Hmph. Well, you  are much tastier” B says, their voice tinged with flirtation. Gordon rolls his eyes, and begins leading them into the waves. The salinity of the air filled his sinuses with each breath he took, and the cool water lapped against his legs with a gentle motion. His partner clutched nervously at his good hand, their fear palpable with each hesitant step into the sea.

They reached the point where waves broke against the shore, and he encouraged them to turn around whenever one approached. “They’ll knock you flat on your ass if you’re not ready” Gordon elaborates as one such wave slaps against their lower backs. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw that they had enough time to reach past the sandbar. “If we hurry, we can get far enough out that we can just float a little” He comments excitedly, knowing that behind B’s sunglasses were eyes full of terror. It was their first time at the beach, and the frightening sublime aura of the ocean was understandable.

But to his surprise, they swiftly forced their way through the crest of a wave, though this earned them a wet slap to the stomach. They cried out as the cold water soaked their black one-piece swimsuit, and he tried not to smile as B’s face furrowed a look of determination. “Fuck the ocean, making me all cold and shit...” They mutter angrily under their breath, trailing after him as Gordon forged a path out deeper. When the next wave came, they floated over the peak with ease. B let out a sharp gasp at the weightless sensation. “This is so cool...” They cried out, turning around to eagerly await the next wave.

“Oh, you think that’s cool? Watch this!” He counters, moving back several paces towards the shore. Waiting until the last possible second, he dove through the formation of a crashing cerulean wave. His ears rumbled at being shoved underwater, and he held his breath until he breeched the surface. “Holy shit, you’re like a fucking dolphin!” They exclaim, and he laughs as he pushes his ponytail over his shoulder. Gordon holds out his arms and sinks into the waves, letting himself be carried by the ocean. The gentle rocking motion reminded him of a hammock. “Ya know, this ain’t so bad” B muses, their face tilted skywards as he watches them sink up to their shoulders. “We should get you a blow-up lounger to lay on” He replies, and they consider the idea.

They stayed out in the water for a good while, before B swore they felt something brush past their feet. Gordon assured them that it was just seaweed, but they hightailed it out of the water before he could convince them. “Now YOU’RE a Feetman!” He yelled over their shoulder, shaking his head with exasperation. He followed suit, feeling the undertow pull at his legs as he walked towards the shore. His partner stood there, waiting for him with a small shovel. “Sandcastle time, lover boy!” They command, grinning eagerly despite their hurried retreat from the sea mere moments ago. Handing him the shovel, he sighs but he selects the perfect spot without a word. He scoops out the sand with the small tool, and B crouches down beside him to watch.

He gets so lost in the action of creating the moat that he doesn’t notice them step behind him with a tube of sunscreen. A clump of it splatters across his upper back, and they eagerly rub the lotion into his warm skin. “I wouldn’t want my husband to get sunburnt” They purr, and he stops digging to allow them access to his arms. Their frame presses against his back as they sensually lather him up, and he enjoys the gentle close contact for the few seconds that it lasts. Before they can close the lid of the container, he snatches it from their hand and squeezes a dollop onto his finger. Gordon smears it across their nose with one quick swipe, feeling satisfied with the surprised look they give him at the action. He presses more onto one hand, and rubs it across their cheeks. “You’re paler than me, so you need this more than I do” He murmurs, and they begrudgingly allow him to rub in the lotion like a parent would for their child.

He gives them a kiss when he finishes, and that seems to make up for the coddling. The two of them turn their attention to Ft. Freeman, which was in dire need of completion before the tide rose up to wipe it out of existence. B uses the excess sand from the moat’s creation to build up the castle, and Gordon deepens the trenches as they add in seashells for decoration. “Voilà!” They announce excitedly as the structure is completed. He leads them back into the shade of the umbrella a dozen feet away, pulling out a water bottle and some pretzels. As Gordon scarfs down the snacks with intense concentration, something catches his eye. A fearless seagull has perched close to their spot, and he prays that it remains just a solitary bird.

He didn’t have such luck as he pulled out the sandwiches he had made for the two of them in their beach house and spotted several more. Casting a glance towards B confirmed his worst fear. They were grinning at him with a mischievous expression that he was much too familiar with to ignore. “Don’t you fucking dare—  _ oh my god! _ ” He warns, his voice rising with a yell as they scatter a handful of pretzels to the birds. The small flock dives for them, a chorus of screeching piercing through the once-tranquil silence of the private beach. They let out a villainous cackle, and if it weren’t for the fact that the seagulls left soon after, he would have been legitimately pissed. “You’re not supposed to do that, you bastard” Gordon states, shoving his sandwich into his mouth with angry bites.

“That’s why I did it” They smirk, sticking out their tongue in defiance, reclining their chair with a loud crank. He squints his eyes. After finishing his food, he watches as his partner settles into a comfortable position to nap, and it gives him an idea. Twenty minutes slowly pass, their soft snores serving as proof of their unconscious state. He picks up their chair ever so gently, and carries them rather awkwardly down to the water’s edge. Waiting until a wave ebbs out, Gordon soon sets them down and waits. Soon, a wave comes crashing over his partner’s body, and they startle awake with a shout that makes him burst into laughter. “I’ll fucking get you for this, Feetman!” They yell, leaping off the chair with a murderous look in their eyes. He runs off in the opposite direction, still laughing and knowing that they won’t be able to catch up.

The moon shone on the surface of the ocean, and B snuggled against his body as they walked across the velvety sand. “I told you to bring a jacket” He chided, and they huffed with indignation. “It’s the fuckin beach, how was I supposed to know it’d get cold?” They mutter, and Gordon chuckles. To distract them from the cooler temperature, he turns on the flashlight he’d brought. And right on cue, a ghost crab comes skittering into view. “Crab!” B yells excitedly, giving chase to the small crustacean. It easily keeps out of reach as it shoots towards the water, and when it reaches its destination, his partner gasps with such innocent shock that he can’t help but laugh. 

This surprise wears off, however, as they soon rip the flashlight from his hands to pursue more of the small creatures. “There’s so many, holy shit!” They yell, and he smiles as he tries to keep pace with their excitement. “Ya know, there are a few turtle nests that are supposed to be hatching tonight... wanna go watch?” He adds when he catches up with them, and the look on their face makes his heart flutter. “Hell yeah!” B exclaims, their eyes shining with wonder.

He guides them further along the shore until the houses around then suddenly darken with the aforementioned light curfew. With only their flashlight and the moon, they eventually find a crowd of people eagerly awaiting the sea turtles hatchlings. Finding a gap in the crowd, the two of them watch with baited breath for a glimpse. It takes a while, but eventually dozens begin emerging from the flagged off sections of sand. B makes a noise of delight that nearly gets lost in the crowd around them, and he cherishes the look on their face yet again.

“Ya know, before I started E last year, I went to a sperm bank” B murmurs nonchalantly, the swarm of sea turtles turning into hundreds as they raced towards the moonlit water, and Gordon does a double take at the implication. “Are... you saying what I think you’re saying?” He asks quietly, not wanting to get his hopes up. “Well, now that we’re married and all, I think something like that could be in our, uh, future” They reply, a smile forming on their lips. He grabs their left hand, a finger on his prosthesis fidgeting with B’s wedding band. 

“I’d love that for us, but maybe not by my next birthday” Gordon admits, his expression mirroring theirs. They chuckle. “Yeah, I wouldn’t want our new careers to get in the way. Someday, though” They agree, giving his hand a squeeze. “Someday” He concurs, and the two of them continue to watch the parade of turtle hatchlings scramble into the unknown. With B by his side to scare away his worries, Gordon could ignore the anxiety weighing on his shoulders like the constant force of gravity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s all, folks! I hoped you enjoyed my fanfic c: I’m working on completing four songs from this fic, and if you want updates on that, I made a HLVRAI sideblog called “rockstarbenrey”!


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